Dear God,

Is it wrong to be heartless? Is it wrong to give up hope on people? Is it wrong to not trust people anymore as much as i used to?

Been so confused recently.

I know, the whole incident between D and i, it was my impulsive reactions and me not having the ability to think about the repercussions. And i sincerely apologise for that babe. What i felt was unfair was what she did to me after.

I trusted them, they were my childhood bestfriends and my crush. My childhood bestfriend's brother. Yet they all ganged up on me and played this dumb game that was supposed to just make my crush on him disappear? If i could apologise to D right now, i would.

D i'm sorry for writing all that trash about you. I'm sorry i caused this incident to happen. I'm sorry that our friendship was ruined because of my selfish, impulsive acts.

But why would they play such a sick prank on me? I trusted them. All the sleepovers, all the tuition sessions. I was cornered in a room, confronted, alone. About what happened which i obviously regretted.

I fell flat on my face that time and no one came forward to help me. Why guys? Were you talking bad about me behind my back? I trusted each and every single one of you. I would've trusted you with my life. But when trouble started brewing i had no one by my side. All of you pretended i was nothing, that i wasn't even there.

All the titles their parents held, and they used that against me. When everything was over, everyone pretended to go back to their normal lives. D left for USA and everyone grew up. But what about me? I realised how truly alone i am in this place that was supposed to have people there for me 24/7. Have i ruined all that?

I'm sorry, D, if you come back and i am so distant from you and everyone else. I can't bring myself to face you and your family. I can't bring myself to forgive you and your family. I can't bring myself to sit on the same table as all of you. I can't bring myself to be nice and smile and go back to how it all was before. Because i'll feel like it is all a facade. Its not true and i'll be two faced and be the same as the people i detest.

I think i can't forgive you for that prank because i can't forgive myself too. How do i find it in my heart to forgive you when i can't even forgive myself...

Why am i bringing this up after keeping it in for 5 years. I have never talked about this to anyone so why, jy, are you reopening these wounds again?

Because its back to haunt me.

The Jags Take on Marina Bay Sands

Woke up bright (Okay not bright it was gloomy and drizzling) and early on a saturday morning to meet the jags. Nessy's parents booked a room for their family and we were invited to chill. Walked around the Marina Bay Shoppes for a while while waiting for the room to get cleaned up. It was really eye opening for me, a mountain tortoise.  The Shoppes sure had a lot of really high end fashion outlets!

The plan was to chill around the shopping area and room and head for a swim before going for lunch and coming back to chill around some more. But we bought cup noodles and watched telly in the room before heading for the swim.

Comfy bed

Who has the biggest eyes?

Hello Morris

Nessy & Pri you perfect human beings <3

Mandatory bathroom selfies (what am i doing in the bathtub?)

Getting carried by Morris because i'm too tiny to be seen

Where are you Priyah?

Oh and did i mention that my phone can be used to take pictures and videos underwater? Tried out that function and yeap my phone is still alive and well! (Bless you Sony creators)

Erm failed underwater selfie

Bloob bloob bloob (?)

Hehe asyu why are you so cute?

Fiery hair

Infinity pool

Jags <3 (missing Iris!!)

And the person giving out the towels was so amazed. He asked me if what i was using was a waterproof phone. I told him no, its my phone and he asked if it is still working and if its okay i replied yes! Truth be told i didn't expect anyone to notice. I was too afraid my phone will be spoilt! ): I love you my Xperia! I really hope that the videos will be able to work!

UPDATE

Just a nice wordy chunk from me before i start to guilt trip myself for not studying.... #lifeofanasiankid #goodbyegpa #threepointeightmyass

This is the second week of school and i can't believe its also the last semester spent with PF1322. I know that i'm perpetually whining about how much i miss zhonghua/4N1'13 but at the end of the day, i still very much appreciate PF1322.

So anyway, on my last week of holidays, i went to the beach with the pfp bunch:

Had really bad cramps that day and i'm so thankful that it left the moment i stepped foot onto the beach! (God and his excellent timing huh!) Twin and i made sandwiches, alphy made nuggets, SS brought the mat and utensils, Craig and ZH brought drinks and chips and Elgin made chicken pasta! Its really nice to see everyone put in effort.. (:

Played by the beach and took turns looking after the things. While the boys were playing, twin and i sat there to keep an eye on our belongings. Cue shameless camwhoring:

Strong winds

Left the beach at around four plus to shower and headed back to vivo to grab a drink at coffee bean. We had planned for a movie after our beach date but couldn't decide on what to watch. (See, this is what happens when you've got so many people of different movie taste, you can't really decide on anything without someone complaining.) Decided to have dinner instead and have a movie marathon on some other day. Headed to Chompz for dinner and to Elgin's house to chill.

 Favourite photo of the day. We look so happy. (:

 Hashtag multiple eyelids

Two days later (wednesday) met up at alphy's house for a movie marathon where we laughed at stupid films and screamed at scary ones. And then i burned my throat on Bacardi because i went home with a sore throat and woke up the next day with a fever and a really bad throat. But the Bacardi was so good. So so good.

Going to miss this pfp bunch and i really hope we'll stay friends will we're old and wrinkly like prunes!

I realised how everytime i blog, it'll be an alternate post of cheerful ones and depressed ones. I hope the next time round i come here i'll be posting more positive posts and not i-want-to-put-a-fucking-bullet-in-my-head post.

Till then!

J

UGH

Exams are over but i still feel like complete and utter crap. I think i'm a wreck right now. I feel so lousy about myself. Like i can never be good enough for anybody.

Recently, i began to look around, at my circle of friends and couldn't help but compare my circle of friends and that of my friends' circle of friends. I feel super insecure about myself right now. Everyone has that one friend that they can always turn to and just have a group of supportive friends that they can always fall back on. Me? Sure, i have a group of supportive friends. I don't think they will mind catching me when i fall but i don't think i will be strong enough to catch them when they fall.

So many people are saying to me that i can always voice out my thoughts and worries and whatever shit that is bothering me but i can't. I don't feel safe with them. Why? Because i have personally heard them judge the rest. They don't even know this person and they judge. And i'm supposed to tell these people my problems? How am i to know if they will say the same things behind my back about me?? As an older friend, i'm supposed to guide the younger ones to make the right decisions and to help them see the world in a better view. But if someone older than me is acting like some 10 year old kid, going around talking behind other's backs then how am i supposed to teach the younger ones??

My problem is that i want to leave this place. But every time i bring it up, they just shoot me down. "Why do you want to leave jy?" "Why are you always doing this to us??" "What's wrong about staying here?" "Why are you always leaving us?"

This is burning problem and you guys have no idea how it feels like to be caged in this environment. You have never cared much about me, why should i do the same? Don't you know it hurts me too? To stay here? I fear myself being judged by the very people i have known in my entire life. I cannot bring anyone new in because people will talk. And for outsiders that say, fuck them haters/nobody has the right to judge you, well, you're so wrong. You don't know half of it. Its not as simple as oh look, she's wearing such low cut clothing/white top and black bra underneath/revealing clothing. Its fear.

How do i bring someone new in if no one is going to accept them? And i am supposed to find my lifelong partner here? 

Why the hell should i spend the rest of my life here, with people that criticise my every move and talk behind my backs when they barely even know me.

I used to talk about others behind their backs too but i have stopped. Because i know its wrong and if that person were to know about this, especially if i'm close to him/her, being stabbed a thousand times over will not compare to the emotional hurt faced by this person.

People are so insensitive. They think that they are being straightforward when in actual fact, they just talk before they process it in their heads. You shoot the person down without thinking and you think that you're right for saying what you said? There is a fine line between insensitivity and being straightforward. When you disregard the person's feelings, you have overstepped your boundaries. There is no wrong in being straightforward. It can be misleading to talk to someone beating around the bush so much that you just want to tell the person to effing tell you the main point. People everywhere are hurting. I'm hurting.

You think i don't know my own flaws? You think i feel good about my flaws??

Just because you're straightforward does not give you the right to hurt others, intentional or unintentional. If you are aware of being straightforward, then it is best that you run through your thoughts, process them first, then speak.

I just want to effing curl into a fetal position and cry because it hurts so bad. It hurts that i can't voice out my worries, it hurts that i'm so insecure about myself, it hurts because there isn't anyone that i know of that can even fathom whatever i'm going through.

It is mentally and emotionally draining to compress all the hurt and just swallow everything down. I wished my heart was a black hole so that it will never have a capacity. I can just dump all these unwanted feelings in and everything will be fine. I can genuinely smile and laugh without having to be conscious of my nearly exploding heart.

When will i ever be okay again?

Update: The Jaguars / Poly Life

In a blink of an eye, i am going to complete the first semester of my first unofficial year in poly. O_O

(wait whuuut?)

Anyway, this sem has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, filled with ups and downs. (Okay, mostly ups. Yay!) And this has been the longest time i have spent apart from my clique in secondary school. Yeah sure, eventually i will have to leave them. I just didn't think it will be so soon. But i am thankful for the friends i made here in NYP. Sure, NYP isn't exactly the best poly in sg but i'm still thankful nonetheless for the Jaguars:

Our first ICA!

They have been such a treasure to me and i am so thankful for their patience and guidance and tolerance towards me. From my never ending fantasy of building a spaceship to my monthly bitch fits i throw, they have always been there for me and i am so so so thankful to God for bringing them into my life. (:

I am supposed to be studying since sem exams are two freaking weeks away but on the account that i've been meaning to write this post, can we please ignore the words "exam" and "study" for tonight?

I know i was so paranoid about not being able to make any friends and be normal but my fears dissipated into thin air the moment i met these guys. Not saying that my friends aren't normal, but lets just say i appreciate their uniqueness and ability to look at things from a different angle. I remember me opening up to Pri, Kerwin and Mel about how i used to cut back in secondary school and it just struck me how i was so ready to open up.

I want to thank everyone that made me laugh so hard abs are starting to form (okay not literally,) and make my day so enjoyable. I haven't dreaded going to school yet so far and no drama has been aroused yet. I want things to be kept this way and for us to laugh everyday. As bimbotic as it sounds, all i want for us is to laugh our days away.

Hey Priyah, thank you for being there for me all the time and entertaining me and my space ship fantasy. Remember how we studied in school that night while waiting for mel & kerwin to get through their auditions? And how we exchanged ghost stories and spooked each other out! Thanks for agreeing with me to go to town just to get my pay after school that day. And thanks for always being so understanding. You are such a gem and i am so thankful you're always there for me.

I know how insecure you are sometimes but do know that you are so strong and so gorgeous (on the inside and out). Don't let anyone get you down. Fight for what you want, for the ones you love. Be strong, heads up and live it our proudly.

Hello Asyura! You're the first friend i made during orientation and how you witnessed my un-glamorously late entrance into the lecture theatre because i was soo late on my first day of orientation! You've stuck with me since that day and became my partner for every pair work hehe. You kanchiong spider.  <3

Hi "boyfriend" you are by far the most hilarious person i have ever met and you're one of the reasons why i always look forward to coming to school. You, your jokes and that diva attitude always make my day. You've never failed to make me laugh everyday in school. Albeit life without you would be quiet hehe but do know i appreciate your company. <3 You have such a strong character so don't let anyone make you feel like you're not worth it. Because you are. 

Hi vanessa! I have a photo of us in our formal wear but you look so cute in this picture i couldn't resist posting it! I remembered how we clicked immediately because of our common like in "The Walking Dead". How we spazzed over Daryl. And we also watched the same animes! You have no idea how much you make me laugh with your unexpected bitch rebuts and perverted jokes. (which i don't understand 90% of the time) Just want to let you know how pretty you are and don't ever let anyone put you down. You are pretty and you should be proud of what you have. (: don't let the judgments of others affect you. Embrace it, and live it out. (:

I don't have a photo with just you and me Iris, i hope i will have one someday. (: Thanks for always tolerating my monthly bitch tantrums and being so motivational. Its nice to finally know you instead of just hearing your voice from across the floor. (hint PPS days...) You might not take the same diploma course as us but please remember us (and me hehe). Thank you for always dropping whatever you're doing just to help me in my math. (': and for repeating yourself because i don't understand the question. You're always so patient with me and i really, really appreciate that. (:

I love you jags. I felt like i had to post this because you all have made my days so much more enjoyable and so much more fulfilling. 

My 17th birthday

Hello blog! Yesterday, i had the best night spent with one of the best company ever! Ever since embarking on this new pfp journey, i haven't had time to let loose with the group of people that saw me through the best (or worse) past four years.

Met gt after church yesterday and we attempted to study. Or rather me. Went to Teadot where i had the sweetest (and biggest) cup of Earl Grey Tea my tongue had ever tasted. And if it sounds really tantalizing, it wasn't. Dafaq they called it a "Earl Grey Lollipop" which was apparently a lethal combination of butterscotch, earl grey and who knows how much sugar. It was diabetes just waiting to happen.

After a while my butt just refused to stay on the chair anymore, we went to walk around Nex. We must've walked around 3 times in the whole shopping centre because i was debating with myself-aloud-if i should get some fried chicken. And yes, i did get it.

Walked around for a bit more and i saw two seasons of Hawaii 5-0 in two CD shops. STEVE MCGARETT JUST SITTING THERE ON THE SHELF BECKONING ME TO BRING HIM HOME. But i didn't. The reason why i wanted the CD so bad was because dad had decided to cancel the cable tv. -I need a moment of silence here....- And this is my favourite show (next to Criminal Minds and Sherlock) which i have recently realised i have become addicted to. ):

So with no cable tv, i will have no AXN and therefore AM UNABLE TO FINISH THE SEASON. But i decided to grit my teeth and tell myself that a) I am going to get rid of this addiction and b) shows now are so easily accessible i can always get it online. I just need the correct site.

So after whining for ages, finally made our way down to the bus stop where we bumped into the cheryls and eileen. Took a bus to twin's and just chilled and ordered pizza for dinner.

Cake and surprise came after dinner while i was helping to clear up. Took photos and laughed a hell lot:

Just me lusting over Steve Mcgarett/Conan O'Loughlin :D

 Oh the wonders of a MacBook Pro

 We is strong peepoh

 Trying to go all Vogue/Cover Girl

UPDATE:

Loads of assignments and tests piling up lately. But i guess thats normal when you're in poly and all. Sometimes i want to crawl back to zhonghua while other times i just feel like sticking my butt onto the chair and spend time with my jags.

Had bfast with momsie before school today and i did tell her how much i loathe the campus's size and space and basically everything about the campus. I told her how i wished i was in NP/SP where their campus grounds are much bigger than mine. But then she told me how not everyone can fit in in that school. Which might happen to me.

Anyway, the exciting thing about this month is that its J U L Y! Favourite month of the year since its my birthday month! I have this feeling that it won't be as eventful as last year's. (What if the jags forgot about my birthday...)

Paranoia, paranoia jy. ):

Found these in my computer and i miss you girls like hell. )': I still doubt myself whenever i think of pfp and it being a right choice. I can't stand going to school without seeing their faces. I wish our friendship will be one that will last us till we grow old.

I miss you girls. xx

Hellloooo

Been feeling really down recently, and i don't know what i should do to get out of this consuming vortex of depression.

1. Biz studies test was returned to us yesterday, and i didn't feel too happy with my marks. 32/40 isn't so great after all when your friends beside you are scoring higher and even getting full marks for this.

2. Received a letter (from nyp) informing me that i didn't get my scholarship. I know its okay seeing that i lose nothing anyway. The scholarship was to pay for my school fees. And since i didn't get it, oh well.

3. Math test tmr and i am not exactly the best person in math....

Yeah, go ahead, tell me these aren't big issues. "Its okay jy, its just a small business test! At least you didn't fail!" "If you have nothing to lose, then why are you so upset over not getting the scholarship? You can always try again the next year or other scholarships the school is giving out!" "Just do your best in tmr's test jy! Leave it all to God!"

What encouraging statements (coming from myself LOL...) but its doing nothing for me. Sure the jags did tell me that my marks were okay, but i still feel really shitty about myself.

I am so thankful for the jags at times because they have been bringing me back to reality when i get too carried away with my sorrows and they have been there to just listen to me whine and go on and on and on about how pathetic i feel i am. Honestly, so blessed to meet them. 

But sometimes (okay, most of the times) i find that whatever they tell me be it sincere or not, doesn't affect how i am feeling about myself. I always lament how bad i am at math and asyura will always tell me i'm not. Sometimes pri will say she's worse and the encouraging smile from van makes me feel better. I panic when i can't solve my problems and iris will stop what she's doing to help me and morris will too. Not saying my friends in ZH weren't like this, i just never felt so helpless before.

Back in secondary school, i was always the average one. Not too bad, not the top either. I never did my homework (unless the subject's teacher was one that would give my life hell) all the way till sec4. The only homework i did was tuition homework. But when i come to poly, i did my homework/tutorials, i listened in lectures, i revised my lecture notes but i still can't be average. I'm still at the bottom. 

Earlier today, pri van asyu and i were talking about last night's attempt to do the paper again, and asyu started saying that she never liked Bs or Cs and van said that her marks after she re attempted were 72/80. Not saying i blame them/hate them for bringing this up but i felt really lousy because i felt like i could never attain a 70/80 for my math and i used to whoop for joy when i get a B. I hardly had As, not even for english.

The only time where i had the most number of As were last year's N level cert. My report book NEVER had so many As before. And i guess everything just stopped there.

"Stop blaming yourself jy." You might say, but i dunno, i just feel like crap. Why can't i ever be good enough? Was entering PFP even the right path to take? I slogged my guts out for an entire bloody year and i don't want to get kicked out. Sure, nyp isn't the top polytechnic in sg but if i get kicked out, i have nowhere else to go.

I feel like i'm getting ripped into shreds, getting torn apart by this vortex of depression. And my soul is this manifestation of negativity residing within the fleshy shell of my body. 

I know i cannot let this feeling get the better of me but i really don't know what to do other than to be a sitting duck and watch this tsunami of despair sweep over me, drowning me, destroying me. 

Update:

Hi!! Its been slightly over 2 months since I last visited this space. Shows how busy my new school life has made me. ): (nah I kid, I don't really think I am that busy lol,)

Anyway, in a blink of an eye, I am already having my term break! Its really shocking to see how quick time passed and before I know it, (hopefully) I would be officially Year 1! Poly life is really different from secondary school and it can be really difficult to go to school without seeing the class I have been seeing for the past 4 years of my life. I remember sometimes I will see my friends for 6 days per week, sometimes literally everyday.

Not saying that my poly friends are shit and my poly class sux, I love them all too. PF1322 is a really entertaining class and my clique, the Jags/Jaguars (named by Morris) are probably the best friends I can ever ask for. The Jags are always so supportive of me, and did I mention I am in the same class as my a girl from my primary school?? Yup. But at times I really miss the girls from ZH, 4N1, my juniors.... (sigh.)

Before I get carried away with all these negativity, let me post some pictures!

^ mothuplucking laptop refused to load my photos I don't even know why. *bitchy jy has appeared*

So, without the presence of pictures, I am unable to show my poly friends and what I have been doing with my life thus far. Here's a suggestion: Why not start following my on Instagram/Twitter? (; its @halfeatenjelly for both. (Free imaginary candy/hugs will be given out!)

xoxo,
J

Update:

Hello! Oh man i just realised how screwed i am. School is starting in 2 frickin days and i am completely unprepared. I haven't changed my ezlink card to the tertiary ones, my bag is still undecided. AAND first lesson of the day would be pe and guess what? I have no idea what to wear for my pe kit and i have no sport shoes. I still need to get some stationary and lecture pads and all that. Yet what am i doing now?? Blogging in front of my laptop about how lazy i am and what a superb procrastinator i am too. -.- I would just love to give myself a middle finger if it helps.... maybe i really should start doing something about this huh... ):

But i just refuse to leave my room. Like literally. Everyday i'm just holed up in my room and flat on the bed. Reading, using my phone, basically just wasting my day away.

KAY SCREW THIS, I'm just rummage thru my bookshelf and see what i can find. And also my shoe cupboard and wardrobe. Hopefully i can fit into le sister's sport shoe and find something for my pe kit. (:



(Ugh who am i kidding...i just suck okay)

In case you missed our faces, taken when we were celebrating gt and hay's birthday.

How am i going to survive the next 4yrs without them sigh

):

Update:

Hello blog, I have less than 2 weeks before i officially start school! And I'm feeling really nervous about it. ): again, because i don't see myself to be as pretty as the other girls in my class. I really feel like ugly betty plus, poly don't have uniforms so i'm really shaking on the inside....have never really saw myself as someone who would crumble under such minor problems. But as i grew older, i guess, i changed. But i'm trying to stick with one of my principles of life: Grades over looks. I don't like this me. I don't like how i feel so easily upsetted over things like that. I never used to care what bag i brought to school, and even when i went out with my friends, i never wrecked my brain over what to wear as hard as i am right now. ):

Don't wanna fill this space up with so much negativity but i guess i don't really have a choice. Is it weird for me to be saying that owning a blog is much safer than owning a diary? I know a blog is world-wide and all, but i really did try to keep diaries before. They always, always end up getting read by someone in the household. Ugh. And those childish diaries with locks and secret combinations? They work too well on me cos i end up forgetting the combination/losing the key. Damn.

Feeling really unhappy with myself. I can state 10 features about me which makes me really devastated till i feel like crying. Gonna keep those to myself before i burst into tears.....or if someone happens to stumble along and laugh at my insecurities. (Well, fuck you then.)

//Sidenote: I GOT MY SCHOLARSHIP!! Wheeee

Okay, onto a proper update about my life: Had zero days of work this week which is good in a way so that my slacking will be at its finest and i will have  p l e n t y  of time to myself. The downside, of course is that i have NO MONEY to earn. Yesterday i spent my day with le twinz shopping! Met at gardens for lunch then had charyl with us till about 5+. FEP was depressing depressing yesterday. So quiet plus i couldn't find anything nice. Not until i headed to ION and 313. Where i spent almost a hundred bux.......what did i buy?
-  Pair of red shorts
-  Manicure set
-  Pair of maroon jeans
-  A t-shirt
-  A pair of shoes.
About time i cleared my wardrobe. ): my uniforms are taking up a lot of space in my pathetic wardrobe. And gotta clear my bookshelf and my table and the drawers under my bed......damn i'm getting more depressed.

KAY I KNOW WHAT TO DO. Just gonna clear all the things stated above ^ and do some excersise. And when i've accomplished at least 2 things then i'll come back to blog.

THINGS TO DO:
1. Go to the gym/pool/park
2. Pack bookshelf
3. Pack table
4. Pack drawers under le bed
5. Pack wardrobe.

"I'll bleed out for you"

Hey dear blog, so guess what? I've met my classmates for this year already! Yeap, had orientation camp on monday & tuesday. Oh my, the camp itself wasn't so fun. But i had really nice ogls and my form teacher is crazy. Which is good. And my classmates are one helluva spammers on whatsapp. I used to think that roa was cray having almost 200+ spammed msgs but PF1322 is....1000+ msgs. Boy
 oh boy.

Anw, I'm hoping i'll feel happy with my class. Although it felt really different on the first day of orientation. No clique, no familiar faces. It was intimidating. But i made a couple of friends on the first day and by lunch time on the 2nd day, i was already laughing my ass off. But no matter how much fun i had, i'll always miss 4N. I mean, because zhss only had 1 NA class, i never felt the need to make new friends because my friends were always sitting a couple of seats away from me in the same classroom. But now, poly is so different. Every year i'm going to have a change of class. And turth be told, i already feel the inferiority complex kicking in. How can it not? I looked around me on the first day and saw firstly how better looking everyone else was. Secondly, i noticed how some girls in my class already were so comfortable with everyone else. And then the sickening, paranoid, insecure side of me decides to pop out. "What if i'll always be the outcast one? What if i'll never have my own clique of friends?" And at that point, i started to think if bull dozing into this pfp programme was the right choice for me.

Not everyone was supportive of me diving into this programme (and i also heard many close friends saying how bad nyp is.....c'mon, spare some thought for this poor dudette here guys....gonna spend my next 4 years in nyp. At least tell me something positive!!!). After all, we are the 1st batch...but i know it was too late to turn back. Nothing left to do except take a deeeep breath and charge forward.

I hope this "other" side of me doesn't ruin the next 4 years of my life!

Update:

Why am i forever feeling so inferior? Why can't i just prove my worth to everyone for once?

Do you know how difficult it is to grow up in a family that has talent/patience in art?! And how unfair it is to me when i realise i have none?? And how everyone keeps labelling me as "Aik Hoon's daughter" or how saddening i feel when i hear "your mum and sis can draw so well! Can you?" WTFWTFWTF. And when i politely say "no i don't" or "i have no interest", how sickening it is to see their face change. Its like, their eyes carry so much hope that my answer could be a yes and when i say the exact opposite, hope turns into disgust. W H A T  T H E  F U C K ? And then i will keep pushing myself to be an artist.

I tried to prove them wrong by trying to draw. Did it work? Fuck no. Forever feeling so inferior to my sister who actually has awards for her artwork, who has her artwork placed in exhibitions and whose talent is recognised by the church! I have been in the church choir for years! And by that i meant a solid 8 years, then i do something like backup singing for service and even after having a solo part, i still feel so invisible. Worst is, going to school for art lessons and having reality slap me so damn hard on the face when i look at what my hands have drawn.

I keep trying so hard to prove my worth. But everyone at home just keeps beating me down. I get labelled and accused. Feels like i'm not loved at all. Even after getting notified i was nominated for a scholarship, to them its nothing. What am i supposed to do to make them feel proud? What am i supposed to do to get recognised? How come they can look at a piece of paper with ink splashed around and can still see its true beauty while i can't? Isn't the scholarship just another fucking piece of paper? How come they don't see the beauty in it??

"Because you're the youngest in this household so you must do this"

FUCK YOU BITCH DON'T GO USING THIS TECHNIQUE. IT MAKES ME LOSE THAT TINY SHRED OF RESPECT I HAVE LEFT FOR YOU. Am i not your daughter too? Am i not your own flesh and blood too? WHY AM I ALWAYS AN OBJECT FOR PEOPLE TO VENT ON.

How come the older sister doesn't receive this treatment? How come she doesn't get vented on when the parents get angry? How come she doesn't get accused of stealing when money goes missing? How come the parents don't overreact when she goes out with boys? How come my own mother doesn't stand up for me when clearly i did nothing wrong? How come my own mother accuses me first when anything happens?

Mummy aren't you happy i did better for my N's than jiejie? Daddy aren't you glad i aced my physics Ns? Mummy do you love me more now that my art grade is the same as jiejie? Mummy, daddy, jiejie, can you please stop labelling me a slacker now? Mummy, daddy, do you love me more now that i've shown you the scholarship application?

Or do you even love me at all.

Do you guys have any idea how tough it is to try to sleep at night when your head is flooded with voices? Voices of your inner demons, voices telling you to just end it all. Voices in your head telling you that you will never ever be good enough. Not even to your own parents.

Because getting As for exams won't make me any smarter.
Because getting the same grade as my sister for art won't make my parents love me a little more.
Because getting a scholarship is not going to make me stand beside my childhood friends that study in Singapore's top institution feel less inferior.
Because good grades won't get me any more recognised.

Have you ever held in so much anger, you start to sweat cold sweat, your clenched fists tremble in rage, you see stars, your head spins, your throat burns from being unable to voice out? Let alone give off a scream.

Sometimes, all these voices in my head get so loud. I tell them to shut up but it only makes them louder. I try to ignore them but they keep taunting me. I beg them to stop but they keep tapping me at the back, telling me to listen to them.

Those Days Where I....

- Just wanna run around and be a fool
- Wanna try out something totally different (Style, food, whatever)
- Wanna raid my closet and dig out whatever is useful and throw/give the rest away
- Want a piercing.
- Consider, again, about getting a tiny tattoo at the nape of my neck
- Would love to try getting decked out in spikes in skulls
- Should really get out in the sun
- Just wanna laze around in bed
- Can just grab anyone from my contact list and have a uber fun day out
- Really just don't wanna go home
- Feel like going wild
- Can just shove my middle finger down the throats of judgemental people
- Dye my hair dark blue with purple highlights (Or the other way round works too)

Yep, they're all coming back! Basically my bucket list. Going to Taiwan in a few days!!! Ahh can't waitz. Should just make a list of things to do/get in Taiwan:

1. Get a Totoro Bag
2. Get a pair of  Spiked shoes
3. Get a decent bag to carry my books/laptop for when i get to poly
4. Get some other cool stuff.
5. Try out as much street food as i can without falling sick!
6. Try the best oyster mee sua!
7. Try the best dimsum! (Do Taiwanese eat dimsum..?)

How am i supposed to believe myself when the people around me don't?

Jokes are fine, not when i'm the butt of it all the time.

Me, petty? Nope, just tired of explaining.

-

I think,  losing someone, whoever it may be, the feelings are almost the same. This is my personal take.

Losing a pillar of support, be it a relative, a lover, a friend, even a pet, is always, undoubtedly a painful process.

For me, i wouldn't deny that i'm a weak person on the inside despite (sometimes) looking like i don't give a flying fuck to anything. I hold the people i love close to my heart because that is where the memories always live. And i have always relied on others to keep me going, to help me pull through. Throughout the past four years, i have learned so much, gained so much, and of course lost quite a fair bit too. Though i am happy to say that proportion of me losing anything is definitely smaller than what i have gained. I could never ask for any better friends-though i do want to ask for lesser enemies-theses friends always had my back. Be it crying over an immature boy or tearing from frustration, i am always thankful for these wonderful angels in my life.

 

 

And frankly speaking, i no longer feel so happy in church like how i did before, it might have been because of a stupid mistake or my sudden awareness to the people around me. I really do feel alone in the midst of a sea of people even though there are people in there that i have known for my entire life and maybe even more. Its so ironic how i can feel that way. I mean, shouldn't i treat them as my sisters instead of treating them as friends or even just a mere acquaintance??

 

I do understand what its like to lose a relative because i lost my grandpa last november. This cny will be so different now. I do not even want to step into my paternal grandparents' flat. Although my paternal grandma is still alive, the absence of my grandpa will be too overwhelming. No matter how tough things get, i always tell myself that everything is in God's plan. He already went ahead of my future and declared it good.

 

The pain of losing a pillar of support, it engulfs me and i feel like i'm drowning in it. How can emptiness be so filling? But then again, i had always been the trusting kind.

 

To put so much hope in a person, only to see the person up and leave like nothing happened, 100 middle fingers or a hundred "FUCK YOU TOO" will do nothing. A relationship/friendship can never be one-sided. I promised to never be who i was in the past, to give up a friend so easily, but why fight a losing battle? I thought about this matter for the longest time. Everybody has their own reasons. But to realise that i was an object to be vented on made me realise how insignificant i am.

 

Yes, losing someone close at heart is painful. I came up with many reasons as to why my friendship disintegrated: I was merely a toy. Like CL, like ET, like Leanne. To be approached by the person i put my trust in, only because she wanted something or she was bored. Like how certain animals "hunt" when their bored.

 

Right now i am over the sadness and i'm done brooding over the past. When one door closes, another opens. Funny how i can relate this to drugs. If i look at it this way, once the euphoric highness wears off, i suppose you feel the aftermath. Getting over this matter was no easy feat, but now i am just plain disgusted at what a hypocritical person time has changed you to be. Getting all chummy with the people who has repeatedly backstabbed you, caused you nothing but pain and distract you from the most important exam at that time.

 

But still, i am glad all these happened after crunchtime.



Chris Kuzneski

Okay, recently i've been reading a series of books-no not fifty shades of grey-by Chris Kuzneski. And i gotta say, this is the first time in a loong time i actually like an author this much. Apart from Rhold Dahl, which had been my favourite author when i was in kindergarten, i never really had any other author that i really really liked! The first book i read by Chris Kuzneski was "The Death Relic" and it was such a brilliant book, i would read it in between classes and even give up my free time before class just to read it! And that includes the 15mins of sleep before the 7.15am bell everyday. I was captivated by his writing and the two main characters, Jonathan Payne and David Jones written by him are portrayed so marvellously. The way Chris writes about the friendship Payne and Jones shared since their time in the special forces, was something that i would die for. How they will always have each other's backs and Jones's quirky personality, PLUS their eye for adventure...

The list goes on.

Currently typing this while trying to hold my shit in. LOL. Have been down with gastric flu again! Ugh this sucks. BUUT, mother and sister is going to make a trip down to town, to Kinokuniya to be exact, to look at books. And me, just having devoured 2 of Chris  Kuzneski's books in a week, despite being down with gastric flu, i'm gonna drag myself out of the house to hunt for the other 5/6 books of Chris Kuzneski! Yes i am a bookworm. I love books. Have read 3 out of 7 books written by Chris Kuzneski AND I WANT MORE! Even if i don't find any Chris Kuzneski books, i do hope i'll be able to find something better, or just as good. Its so difficult to find his books in the library and now i'm quite reluctant to return it... I was overjoyed when i found 3 of his books in Serangoon's library and because i was so greedy, i wanted to borrow all 3 of them! Buuut, they were waay to bulky to carry home alone so i left the thinnest of the three books on the shelf and went home with "The Secret Crown" and "The Prophecy". Goodbye "The Plantation"! Till next time maybe. ):

Thinking...

Jan is ending pretty quick, time flies, a few more months before i go back to school! New school, new people...new homework...new people.

I may seem like a really friendly person but i just came to a sudden realisation that i am not much of a social butterfly..don't like to meet new people but that doesn't mean that i won't. A part of me is excited for school to start and the other part of me isn't. What if the course i picked ain't what i thought it would be? What if i can't do well? WHAT IF I FAIL MY FOUNDATION YEAR AND GO TO ITE?? Not degrading any ite here, its just i worked so hard to get into this pfp thingy, i really can't imagine myself dropping out. But then again, its poly, the lecturers there are not going to be like the teachers in zh. I really miss zh. Everytime i see students in their uniforms, i would really miss my girls...(not all of us took up the offer to go to poly, some of us didn't qualify) i've already got a job-thats more boring than Precious Thots-but the working days are not really consistent. Like, i've only worked 3 days in 2 weeks..

I see everyone on twitter complaining every sunday night about monday blues but then i think, how long more can i laugh at them? 2 more months i will be doing the exact same thing. ):

AAAnyway, met up with gt last sunday and we watched MAMA! Its a horror movie but not quite what i expected it to be. It was disturbing, yes. Especially the photo of the mother ghost and some scenes were really shocking, other than that, the ending was quite sad. Lily the younger girl left with the ghost cos she couldn't bear to part with her. Leaving Victoria the older girl with her uncle and uncle's wife. Ohman, how victoria cried for lily, so sad. Doubt my sister will ever cry for me. Cheh.

Still trying to  figure out how to work gt's new s3 camera...

M A M A ?

 

luv eu baby.