Losing a pillar of support, be it a relative, a lover, a friend, even a pet, is always, undoubtedly a painful process.
For me, i wouldn't deny that i'm a weak person on the inside despite (sometimes) looking like i don't give a flying fuck to anything. I hold the people i love close to my heart because that is where the memories always live. And i have always relied on others to keep me going, to help me pull through. Throughout the past four years, i have learned so much, gained so much, and of course lost quite a fair bit too. Though i am happy to say that proportion of me losing anything is definitely smaller than what i have gained. I could never ask for any better friends-though i do want to ask for lesser enemies-theses friends always had my back. Be it crying over an immature boy or tearing from frustration, i am always thankful for these wonderful angels in my life.
And frankly speaking, i no longer feel so happy in church like how i did before, it might have been because of a stupid mistake or my sudden awareness to the people around me. I really do feel alone in the midst of a sea of people even though there are people in there that i have known for my entire life and maybe even more. Its so ironic how i can feel that way. I mean, shouldn't i treat them as my sisters instead of treating them as friends or even just a mere acquaintance??
I do understand what its like to lose a relative because i lost my grandpa last november. This cny will be so different now. I do not even want to step into my paternal grandparents' flat. Although my paternal grandma is still alive, the absence of my grandpa will be too overwhelming. No matter how tough things get, i always tell myself that everything is in God's plan. He already went ahead of my future and declared it good.
The pain of losing a pillar of support, it engulfs me and i feel like i'm drowning in it. How can emptiness be so filling? But then again, i had always been the trusting kind.
To put so much hope in a person, only to see the person up and leave like nothing happened, 100 middle fingers or a hundred "FUCK YOU TOO" will do nothing. A relationship/friendship can never be one-sided. I promised to never be who i was in the past, to give up a friend so easily, but why fight a losing battle? I thought about this matter for the longest time. Everybody has their own reasons. But to realise that i was an object to be vented on made me realise how insignificant i am.
Yes, losing someone close at heart is painful. I came up with many reasons as to why my friendship disintegrated: I was merely a toy. Like CL, like ET, like Leanne. To be approached by the person i put my trust in, only because she wanted something or she was bored. Like how certain animals "hunt" when their bored.
Right now i am over the sadness and i'm done brooding over the past. When one door closes, another opens. Funny how i can relate this to drugs. If i look at it this way, once the euphoric highness wears off, i suppose you feel the aftermath. Getting over this matter was no easy feat, but now i am just plain disgusted at what a hypocritical person time has changed you to be. Getting all chummy with the people who has repeatedly backstabbed you, caused you nothing but pain and distract you from the most important exam at that time.
But still, i am glad all these happened after crunchtime.
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