My 17th birthday

Hello blog! Yesterday, i had the best night spent with one of the best company ever! Ever since embarking on this new pfp journey, i haven't had time to let loose with the group of people that saw me through the best (or worse) past four years.

Met gt after church yesterday and we attempted to study. Or rather me. Went to Teadot where i had the sweetest (and biggest) cup of Earl Grey Tea my tongue had ever tasted. And if it sounds really tantalizing, it wasn't. Dafaq they called it a "Earl Grey Lollipop" which was apparently a lethal combination of butterscotch, earl grey and who knows how much sugar. It was diabetes just waiting to happen.

After a while my butt just refused to stay on the chair anymore, we went to walk around Nex. We must've walked around 3 times in the whole shopping centre because i was debating with myself-aloud-if i should get some fried chicken. And yes, i did get it.

Walked around for a bit more and i saw two seasons of Hawaii 5-0 in two CD shops. STEVE MCGARETT JUST SITTING THERE ON THE SHELF BECKONING ME TO BRING HIM HOME. But i didn't. The reason why i wanted the CD so bad was because dad had decided to cancel the cable tv. -I need a moment of silence here....- And this is my favourite show (next to Criminal Minds and Sherlock) which i have recently realised i have become addicted to. ):

So with no cable tv, i will have no AXN and therefore AM UNABLE TO FINISH THE SEASON. But i decided to grit my teeth and tell myself that a) I am going to get rid of this addiction and b) shows now are so easily accessible i can always get it online. I just need the correct site.

So after whining for ages, finally made our way down to the bus stop where we bumped into the cheryls and eileen. Took a bus to twin's and just chilled and ordered pizza for dinner.

Cake and surprise came after dinner while i was helping to clear up. Took photos and laughed a hell lot:

Just me lusting over Steve Mcgarett/Conan O'Loughlin :D

 Oh the wonders of a MacBook Pro

 We is strong peepoh

 Trying to go all Vogue/Cover Girl

UPDATE:

Loads of assignments and tests piling up lately. But i guess thats normal when you're in poly and all. Sometimes i want to crawl back to zhonghua while other times i just feel like sticking my butt onto the chair and spend time with my jags.

Had bfast with momsie before school today and i did tell her how much i loathe the campus's size and space and basically everything about the campus. I told her how i wished i was in NP/SP where their campus grounds are much bigger than mine. But then she told me how not everyone can fit in in that school. Which might happen to me.

Anyway, the exciting thing about this month is that its J U L Y! Favourite month of the year since its my birthday month! I have this feeling that it won't be as eventful as last year's. (What if the jags forgot about my birthday...)

Paranoia, paranoia jy. ):

Found these in my computer and i miss you girls like hell. )': I still doubt myself whenever i think of pfp and it being a right choice. I can't stand going to school without seeing their faces. I wish our friendship will be one that will last us till we grow old.

I miss you girls. xx

Hellloooo

Been feeling really down recently, and i don't know what i should do to get out of this consuming vortex of depression.

1. Biz studies test was returned to us yesterday, and i didn't feel too happy with my marks. 32/40 isn't so great after all when your friends beside you are scoring higher and even getting full marks for this.

2. Received a letter (from nyp) informing me that i didn't get my scholarship. I know its okay seeing that i lose nothing anyway. The scholarship was to pay for my school fees. And since i didn't get it, oh well.

3. Math test tmr and i am not exactly the best person in math....

Yeah, go ahead, tell me these aren't big issues. "Its okay jy, its just a small business test! At least you didn't fail!" "If you have nothing to lose, then why are you so upset over not getting the scholarship? You can always try again the next year or other scholarships the school is giving out!" "Just do your best in tmr's test jy! Leave it all to God!"

What encouraging statements (coming from myself LOL...) but its doing nothing for me. Sure the jags did tell me that my marks were okay, but i still feel really shitty about myself.

I am so thankful for the jags at times because they have been bringing me back to reality when i get too carried away with my sorrows and they have been there to just listen to me whine and go on and on and on about how pathetic i feel i am. Honestly, so blessed to meet them. 

But sometimes (okay, most of the times) i find that whatever they tell me be it sincere or not, doesn't affect how i am feeling about myself. I always lament how bad i am at math and asyura will always tell me i'm not. Sometimes pri will say she's worse and the encouraging smile from van makes me feel better. I panic when i can't solve my problems and iris will stop what she's doing to help me and morris will too. Not saying my friends in ZH weren't like this, i just never felt so helpless before.

Back in secondary school, i was always the average one. Not too bad, not the top either. I never did my homework (unless the subject's teacher was one that would give my life hell) all the way till sec4. The only homework i did was tuition homework. But when i come to poly, i did my homework/tutorials, i listened in lectures, i revised my lecture notes but i still can't be average. I'm still at the bottom. 

Earlier today, pri van asyu and i were talking about last night's attempt to do the paper again, and asyu started saying that she never liked Bs or Cs and van said that her marks after she re attempted were 72/80. Not saying i blame them/hate them for bringing this up but i felt really lousy because i felt like i could never attain a 70/80 for my math and i used to whoop for joy when i get a B. I hardly had As, not even for english.

The only time where i had the most number of As were last year's N level cert. My report book NEVER had so many As before. And i guess everything just stopped there.

"Stop blaming yourself jy." You might say, but i dunno, i just feel like crap. Why can't i ever be good enough? Was entering PFP even the right path to take? I slogged my guts out for an entire bloody year and i don't want to get kicked out. Sure, nyp isn't the top polytechnic in sg but if i get kicked out, i have nowhere else to go.

I feel like i'm getting ripped into shreds, getting torn apart by this vortex of depression. And my soul is this manifestation of negativity residing within the fleshy shell of my body. 

I know i cannot let this feeling get the better of me but i really don't know what to do other than to be a sitting duck and watch this tsunami of despair sweep over me, drowning me, destroying me. 

Update:

Hi!! Its been slightly over 2 months since I last visited this space. Shows how busy my new school life has made me. ): (nah I kid, I don't really think I am that busy lol,)

Anyway, in a blink of an eye, I am already having my term break! Its really shocking to see how quick time passed and before I know it, (hopefully) I would be officially Year 1! Poly life is really different from secondary school and it can be really difficult to go to school without seeing the class I have been seeing for the past 4 years of my life. I remember sometimes I will see my friends for 6 days per week, sometimes literally everyday.

Not saying that my poly friends are shit and my poly class sux, I love them all too. PF1322 is a really entertaining class and my clique, the Jags/Jaguars (named by Morris) are probably the best friends I can ever ask for. The Jags are always so supportive of me, and did I mention I am in the same class as my a girl from my primary school?? Yup. But at times I really miss the girls from ZH, 4N1, my juniors.... (sigh.)

Before I get carried away with all these negativity, let me post some pictures!

^ mothuplucking laptop refused to load my photos I don't even know why. *bitchy jy has appeared*

So, without the presence of pictures, I am unable to show my poly friends and what I have been doing with my life thus far. Here's a suggestion: Why not start following my on Instagram/Twitter? (; its @halfeatenjelly for both. (Free imaginary candy/hugs will be given out!)

xoxo,
J

Update:

Hello! Oh man i just realised how screwed i am. School is starting in 2 frickin days and i am completely unprepared. I haven't changed my ezlink card to the tertiary ones, my bag is still undecided. AAND first lesson of the day would be pe and guess what? I have no idea what to wear for my pe kit and i have no sport shoes. I still need to get some stationary and lecture pads and all that. Yet what am i doing now?? Blogging in front of my laptop about how lazy i am and what a superb procrastinator i am too. -.- I would just love to give myself a middle finger if it helps.... maybe i really should start doing something about this huh... ):

But i just refuse to leave my room. Like literally. Everyday i'm just holed up in my room and flat on the bed. Reading, using my phone, basically just wasting my day away.

KAY SCREW THIS, I'm just rummage thru my bookshelf and see what i can find. And also my shoe cupboard and wardrobe. Hopefully i can fit into le sister's sport shoe and find something for my pe kit. (:



(Ugh who am i kidding...i just suck okay)

In case you missed our faces, taken when we were celebrating gt and hay's birthday.

How am i going to survive the next 4yrs without them sigh

):

Update:

Hello blog, I have less than 2 weeks before i officially start school! And I'm feeling really nervous about it. ): again, because i don't see myself to be as pretty as the other girls in my class. I really feel like ugly betty plus, poly don't have uniforms so i'm really shaking on the inside....have never really saw myself as someone who would crumble under such minor problems. But as i grew older, i guess, i changed. But i'm trying to stick with one of my principles of life: Grades over looks. I don't like this me. I don't like how i feel so easily upsetted over things like that. I never used to care what bag i brought to school, and even when i went out with my friends, i never wrecked my brain over what to wear as hard as i am right now. ):

Don't wanna fill this space up with so much negativity but i guess i don't really have a choice. Is it weird for me to be saying that owning a blog is much safer than owning a diary? I know a blog is world-wide and all, but i really did try to keep diaries before. They always, always end up getting read by someone in the household. Ugh. And those childish diaries with locks and secret combinations? They work too well on me cos i end up forgetting the combination/losing the key. Damn.

Feeling really unhappy with myself. I can state 10 features about me which makes me really devastated till i feel like crying. Gonna keep those to myself before i burst into tears.....or if someone happens to stumble along and laugh at my insecurities. (Well, fuck you then.)

//Sidenote: I GOT MY SCHOLARSHIP!! Wheeee

Okay, onto a proper update about my life: Had zero days of work this week which is good in a way so that my slacking will be at its finest and i will have  p l e n t y  of time to myself. The downside, of course is that i have NO MONEY to earn. Yesterday i spent my day with le twinz shopping! Met at gardens for lunch then had charyl with us till about 5+. FEP was depressing depressing yesterday. So quiet plus i couldn't find anything nice. Not until i headed to ION and 313. Where i spent almost a hundred bux.......what did i buy?
-  Pair of red shorts
-  Manicure set
-  Pair of maroon jeans
-  A t-shirt
-  A pair of shoes.
About time i cleared my wardrobe. ): my uniforms are taking up a lot of space in my pathetic wardrobe. And gotta clear my bookshelf and my table and the drawers under my bed......damn i'm getting more depressed.

KAY I KNOW WHAT TO DO. Just gonna clear all the things stated above ^ and do some excersise. And when i've accomplished at least 2 things then i'll come back to blog.

THINGS TO DO:
1. Go to the gym/pool/park
2. Pack bookshelf
3. Pack table
4. Pack drawers under le bed
5. Pack wardrobe.

"I'll bleed out for you"

Hey dear blog, so guess what? I've met my classmates for this year already! Yeap, had orientation camp on monday & tuesday. Oh my, the camp itself wasn't so fun. But i had really nice ogls and my form teacher is crazy. Which is good. And my classmates are one helluva spammers on whatsapp. I used to think that roa was cray having almost 200+ spammed msgs but PF1322 is....1000+ msgs. Boy
 oh boy.

Anw, I'm hoping i'll feel happy with my class. Although it felt really different on the first day of orientation. No clique, no familiar faces. It was intimidating. But i made a couple of friends on the first day and by lunch time on the 2nd day, i was already laughing my ass off. But no matter how much fun i had, i'll always miss 4N. I mean, because zhss only had 1 NA class, i never felt the need to make new friends because my friends were always sitting a couple of seats away from me in the same classroom. But now, poly is so different. Every year i'm going to have a change of class. And turth be told, i already feel the inferiority complex kicking in. How can it not? I looked around me on the first day and saw firstly how better looking everyone else was. Secondly, i noticed how some girls in my class already were so comfortable with everyone else. And then the sickening, paranoid, insecure side of me decides to pop out. "What if i'll always be the outcast one? What if i'll never have my own clique of friends?" And at that point, i started to think if bull dozing into this pfp programme was the right choice for me.

Not everyone was supportive of me diving into this programme (and i also heard many close friends saying how bad nyp is.....c'mon, spare some thought for this poor dudette here guys....gonna spend my next 4 years in nyp. At least tell me something positive!!!). After all, we are the 1st batch...but i know it was too late to turn back. Nothing left to do except take a deeeep breath and charge forward.

I hope this "other" side of me doesn't ruin the next 4 years of my life!