Post exam life!

Okay let's start from the day i ended my exams

25 Feb:
Ran an afternoon of errands after my paper (buying rachel's present, make up remover...) and went home for a short tv sesh with the mother before leaving the house again for gbtb to celebrate rachel's 19th!

cheenz

Family photo as usual

27 Feb:
CNY gathering at nehneh's house and didn't take any photos boohoo. But we had steamboat again and we watched movies. Then we (morris, pri and i) got stranded at cck because the train broke down twice. So we walked to yew tee to pri's house while i waited for the parents to pick me up. We watched some pretty cool videos and i wanted to play with her frogs :(

2 March
Went out shopping with momma and she bought a pair of shoes! I had a job interview at raffles and thank god i got the job! I was so happy when i was offered to sign the contract immediately after the interview was over. Glad to say i am back to being a yogurt girl! I hope that everyone will be as nice and as welcoming as the people in Menchie's. :(

3 March
Watched Kingsmen with bestie before he leaves for china for 5 weeks. (Goodluck with your 2nd language and all the cockroaches hiak) and he got me a purple lipstick from Korea!

4 March
Went for my ftt at 9am and i failed by a mark fml. But its okay, i had lunch with moma and sissy at Swenson's and then i went home and slept for 4 hours.

5 March

Went out with Judith and Renu after their paper and had a nice time :)

Okay i'm sorry if this post is nothing but "diary entries" because life after exams = spending time with the people around me.

The number of days i spend NOT beating myself down and feeling depressed are increasing. And i know this is just a phase, but it's nice to remind myself that there are days that i go through actually being genuinely happy and enjoying myself.

Void.

I know that there comes a time in life where we all start losing people. And i don't mean friends, i mean that i'm losing people because they start to die.

No matter how much i prepare myself for the void that i will have to face, i can't fully prepare myself. I don't know how i'm going to accept things when the time comes.

Was writing on my dayre last night and i said that life is like a fruit bowl. And we are all just fruit. We start out green and sour before blossoming into big juicy sweet fruit. Then just as we grow, we decay. And sometimes it starts from the inside. Nobody knows that our insides are starting to rot. But it's all just part of life.

Old fruit get taken out, new ones are being placed in the big bowl.

Time cannot be stopped. Maybe thats why people can't exactly cure cancer. Maybe cancer is a way to say that time is leaving your body. Even the juiciest and sweetest of strawberries turn black and rotten.

"It's better to burn than to fade away."

But if you burn, i don't have the chance to kiss your ashes goodbye. If you fade, i can still hold you until you slip through my fingers.

"Everything is more beautiful when doomed."

We only see the beauty and splendor in things that we are losing or have already lost. Death is inevitable. How is it that only in death do we see the true beauty in people and in things? Why is it that only in death do we learn that time is of the essence and we have to make every minute count?

We're all going back to heaven one day to sing with the angels and live for eternity. At least that's what i believe. But what do i do while i'm still down here, and you're up there?

I can pray a thousand times for God to give me more time. But i know that you can't stay here with me forever. When God calls, He calls you home.

Well, i guess this is just how life works.

See you in heaven.

Being firm

Really thankful i found that quote in my previous post. I am constantly reminding myself that this year, i'm going to turn 19 and it's time to act like a proper adult. Or at least start learning how to behave like one.

But recently, i found out just how manipulated i have let myself become. I tried guarding myself against people outside of my little circle of comfort but it breaks my heart to find out that the pain comes from inside my circle. Absolutely gutted that things have come to this state. But i guess it's always better to cure the wound ASAP before it festers right? No matter how much it hurts in the beginning?

Today, i asked myself what should i do. And i came up with this: Heart or brain, whichever is right. The heart definitely stores memories that i wish to keep. But the brain states facts and as hurtful as it may seem, facts are facts.

I came to the conclusion that i should follow my morals and principles. And of course, follow in the footsteps of Christ. But i am also very disgusted and tired of how i am being treated. I want to stand up for myself yet i fear that i may once again lose everything and everyone.

I am going to base my solution on my morals and my principles. And of course, God. I love my friends and i want to help them become better people.

Resolutions

Might have just came up with this year's resolution. Nothing fancy, and it's only one resolution that i hope to achieve:

Be a real women.

Back to Square 1

Found a pretty notebook from ages ago and decided i will write down what makes me happy everyday.....then it's January 5. So, one of my new year resolution has broke.

Whatever. Who needs resolution right? Right.

As i look back, i realised just how close i am to my "dream". I am officially 2 years away from my "dream job", well, if going for an internship counts as working. So many things changed in the span of 12 months. I would like to say i made new friends more than i lost old ones. But unfortunately, i have lost quite a few close friends. But then again, not all that you lose is considered a loss right? Right.

It's time to let go. And it's time to move on. No time for regrets, no space for regrets. 2014 was an eye opener for me and i got to experience so many new things in school and with friends. Hopefully, 2015 will bring the same, if not more, adventures like 2014.

The only thing i aim to achieve this year is to spend less time being depressed and more time cherishing everything and everyone. I have lost a few people in my life, it's time to embrace the ones that are left.

I pray that for the courage and the strength to finish yet another year. I pray for the strength to guide me through good times and bad.

December Term Break

I have 3 weeks of holidays this term break and before it started, I was so fired up to get my hand healed so i can start writing my notes. But guess who spent 2 weeks partying non stop? Me.

1st week:
Mon-Tues: Sleepover at Neh's house + secret santa (i got a bright red Sephora lipstick and a dark red NYX lip cream from Iris!!!)
Wed-Thur: Christmas celebrations in church
Fri: Shopped in town with the twin + impulsively got my 2nd ear hole
Sat: Low's birthday celebration
Sun: Can't remember what i did which proves nothing productive was done.

2nd week:
Mon: Baked cookies for class xmas party at Kerwin's.
Tues: Mom had friends over so i entertained the young kids and went to Kerwin's after.
Wed-Thur: Sleepover at twin's + countdown at clarke quay with secondary school friends
Fri: Sitting in front of my laptop with my assignments in front of me but blogging.

Well. There you have it!

I shall now blog about Low's birthday celebration! Met them at Orchard Central for kbbq and basically spent the evening eating.

27 December:

On 30th, i went for my class's xmas gathering at Kerwin's. Initially, i wanted to hide in my room when mum's friends came over so i could do some work before the party later in the evening. But then, one of her friends brought their daughters along to bake and i had to entertain them. That includes getting my hair yanked into ponytails, lipstick smeared onto my face, hair getting lathered in grapeseed oil and getting covered in baking flour. :/ i was so relived when they left. Don't get me wrong, i like those girls. I just hate what they did to me. So anyway, onto pictures of Ker's party!

30th December:

MS1402, thankful for y'all

I like to think i can be discrete in photo bombing

Stayed behind to help Kerwin clean up with KJ and Haresh since we stayed quite near to his place. Then when the clubroom closed, we went to some pavilion by the pool and played poker cards and talked. Walked home with Haresh and KJ and got home at 1.30 in the morning. :/

The next day, packed my bag for a sleepover at twin's place cos we were gonna countdown to the new year with the boys from zhss! Also, the girls were supposed to do secret santa but guess who totally forgot..... me. But hey i brought everyone's presents too! Got face mask + chocolates from rachel, a phone stand from low and a NARS matte dark red lipstick from the twin and gt!! Thanks girls!

31 December:

The twin left for church at about 4pm, leaving the house to the 4 of us. #friendshipgoals

Trying to show the mess. Aftermath of opening presents. (Sorry lazy to rotate)

Drunk Kerwin is cute Kerwin HAHAHAH

Reached cq at about 7 and met the guys for dinner. Then we walked across the bridge to find a bar and ended up settling down in a Korean bar called Boss Bar where they ordered a beer tower and i got a watermelon soju and shared it with low and rachel! Then shortly after the countdown, twin called me and apparently got herself lost and ended up at serangoon. So i left cq to go to serangoon to pick her up and then came back to cq. But by then the boys had left and gt brought 2 of her tchoukball friends to the bar. Stayed in the bar (with another beer tower and a $30 plate of fried chicken that wasn't a lot knn....) till 4.30 or 5-ish playing drinking games and laughing at wasted people. When i left the bar, guess who i met stumbling out of a club drunk? Kerwin! Also met Haresh earlier on when i got back to cq but didn't get a photo.

Walked around cq while waiting for the trains to start. But it took so looong. And getting a cab was impossible. That night, i felt so embarrassed to be a girl because i saw so many girls that got themselves dead drunk and started humiliating themselves. Like this malay girl that was wearing a black tube dress and because she was so wasted, as she was struggling with her boyfriend to go back to the club her dress actually came off....oh and she was lying on the floor with her legs up so basically guys got to see free shows. Ugh.

Met Deon (a councillor from zhss days) and his friend Gary and they helped tipsy gt into the train. Finally reached twin's place at 7am in the morning OHMYGOD. Showered and crashed at about 7.45? Woke up at 12 because the sun was shining in my face. (I fell asleep at the couch, in front of the window) then i went to rachel and gt but they were sleeping. Then i went to twin who was also sleeping. Then i fell asleep again. Woke up when aunty cooked porridge (which tasted divine) then when rachel left, we went back to sleep again lmao. 

Woke up at 5 and joined aunty in front of the telly watching this hilarious Hong Kong movie. Left at 6.30 with everyone and reached home with dinner for the granny at 7. 

Okay. Basically what happened in this 2 weeks. Now let me drown in guilt for not doing anything productive. :)

Relapse

Firstly, this post is not (and will never be) meant to be "attention seeking" in any way.

Recently i've been grappling with my own personal issues and i refuse to talk to anyone about anything because honestly, i know no one will give a damn. Everyone's all caught up in their own battles. Its not fair for me to further burden them with my own issues.

There's so many things running through my head and it will take an eternity to talk about them. In the past, i thought that my problems will go away if i had a real problem in hand. Which was why i started cutting myself in the first place.

But then i got called "bad influence", "attention seeking" because of what i did. I knew it was wrong. But it wasn't fair to call me "attention seeking" because of this. I just have a different way of dealing with my problems. What does that have to do with you?

I know, my body is supposed to be a temple. And i might've ruined it all for myself, by myself.

I hate how i can't tell anyone about this because they won't understand. "It's just a phase." that's what they'll say. Or they'll ask me to suck it up and move on. They'll say it's childish. And it just hurts. Why can't i say the same thing about people who bake or draw or run when they're upset?

Why is it that every time i try to mention anything regarding this i get shot down?

And it's perfectly okay for others to turn to cigarettes and alcohol when they're feeling down? Why is it that they can turn back to what kills them to feel alive and i can't? Am i not allowed some time for myself in my own room with a blade to let everything out the same way they are allowed to have a stick or drink?

Whatever lah, Ya'll can call me whatever ya'll want. But don't come preaching to me about me ruining my life/body when you poison yourself with different forms of toxic.