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I think,  losing someone, whoever it may be, the feelings are almost the same. This is my personal take.

Losing a pillar of support, be it a relative, a lover, a friend, even a pet, is always, undoubtedly a painful process.

For me, i wouldn't deny that i'm a weak person on the inside despite (sometimes) looking like i don't give a flying fuck to anything. I hold the people i love close to my heart because that is where the memories always live. And i have always relied on others to keep me going, to help me pull through. Throughout the past four years, i have learned so much, gained so much, and of course lost quite a fair bit too. Though i am happy to say that proportion of me losing anything is definitely smaller than what i have gained. I could never ask for any better friends-though i do want to ask for lesser enemies-theses friends always had my back. Be it crying over an immature boy or tearing from frustration, i am always thankful for these wonderful angels in my life.

 

 

And frankly speaking, i no longer feel so happy in church like how i did before, it might have been because of a stupid mistake or my sudden awareness to the people around me. I really do feel alone in the midst of a sea of people even though there are people in there that i have known for my entire life and maybe even more. Its so ironic how i can feel that way. I mean, shouldn't i treat them as my sisters instead of treating them as friends or even just a mere acquaintance??

 

I do understand what its like to lose a relative because i lost my grandpa last november. This cny will be so different now. I do not even want to step into my paternal grandparents' flat. Although my paternal grandma is still alive, the absence of my grandpa will be too overwhelming. No matter how tough things get, i always tell myself that everything is in God's plan. He already went ahead of my future and declared it good.

 

The pain of losing a pillar of support, it engulfs me and i feel like i'm drowning in it. How can emptiness be so filling? But then again, i had always been the trusting kind.

 

To put so much hope in a person, only to see the person up and leave like nothing happened, 100 middle fingers or a hundred "FUCK YOU TOO" will do nothing. A relationship/friendship can never be one-sided. I promised to never be who i was in the past, to give up a friend so easily, but why fight a losing battle? I thought about this matter for the longest time. Everybody has their own reasons. But to realise that i was an object to be vented on made me realise how insignificant i am.

 

Yes, losing someone close at heart is painful. I came up with many reasons as to why my friendship disintegrated: I was merely a toy. Like CL, like ET, like Leanne. To be approached by the person i put my trust in, only because she wanted something or she was bored. Like how certain animals "hunt" when their bored.

 

Right now i am over the sadness and i'm done brooding over the past. When one door closes, another opens. Funny how i can relate this to drugs. If i look at it this way, once the euphoric highness wears off, i suppose you feel the aftermath. Getting over this matter was no easy feat, but now i am just plain disgusted at what a hypocritical person time has changed you to be. Getting all chummy with the people who has repeatedly backstabbed you, caused you nothing but pain and distract you from the most important exam at that time.

 

But still, i am glad all these happened after crunchtime.



Chris Kuzneski

Okay, recently i've been reading a series of books-no not fifty shades of grey-by Chris Kuzneski. And i gotta say, this is the first time in a loong time i actually like an author this much. Apart from Rhold Dahl, which had been my favourite author when i was in kindergarten, i never really had any other author that i really really liked! The first book i read by Chris Kuzneski was "The Death Relic" and it was such a brilliant book, i would read it in between classes and even give up my free time before class just to read it! And that includes the 15mins of sleep before the 7.15am bell everyday. I was captivated by his writing and the two main characters, Jonathan Payne and David Jones written by him are portrayed so marvellously. The way Chris writes about the friendship Payne and Jones shared since their time in the special forces, was something that i would die for. How they will always have each other's backs and Jones's quirky personality, PLUS their eye for adventure...

The list goes on.

Currently typing this while trying to hold my shit in. LOL. Have been down with gastric flu again! Ugh this sucks. BUUT, mother and sister is going to make a trip down to town, to Kinokuniya to be exact, to look at books. And me, just having devoured 2 of Chris  Kuzneski's books in a week, despite being down with gastric flu, i'm gonna drag myself out of the house to hunt for the other 5/6 books of Chris Kuzneski! Yes i am a bookworm. I love books. Have read 3 out of 7 books written by Chris Kuzneski AND I WANT MORE! Even if i don't find any Chris Kuzneski books, i do hope i'll be able to find something better, or just as good. Its so difficult to find his books in the library and now i'm quite reluctant to return it... I was overjoyed when i found 3 of his books in Serangoon's library and because i was so greedy, i wanted to borrow all 3 of them! Buuut, they were waay to bulky to carry home alone so i left the thinnest of the three books on the shelf and went home with "The Secret Crown" and "The Prophecy". Goodbye "The Plantation"! Till next time maybe. ):

Thinking...

Jan is ending pretty quick, time flies, a few more months before i go back to school! New school, new people...new homework...new people.

I may seem like a really friendly person but i just came to a sudden realisation that i am not much of a social butterfly..don't like to meet new people but that doesn't mean that i won't. A part of me is excited for school to start and the other part of me isn't. What if the course i picked ain't what i thought it would be? What if i can't do well? WHAT IF I FAIL MY FOUNDATION YEAR AND GO TO ITE?? Not degrading any ite here, its just i worked so hard to get into this pfp thingy, i really can't imagine myself dropping out. But then again, its poly, the lecturers there are not going to be like the teachers in zh. I really miss zh. Everytime i see students in their uniforms, i would really miss my girls...(not all of us took up the offer to go to poly, some of us didn't qualify) i've already got a job-thats more boring than Precious Thots-but the working days are not really consistent. Like, i've only worked 3 days in 2 weeks..

I see everyone on twitter complaining every sunday night about monday blues but then i think, how long more can i laugh at them? 2 more months i will be doing the exact same thing. ):

AAAnyway, met up with gt last sunday and we watched MAMA! Its a horror movie but not quite what i expected it to be. It was disturbing, yes. Especially the photo of the mother ghost and some scenes were really shocking, other than that, the ending was quite sad. Lily the younger girl left with the ghost cos she couldn't bear to part with her. Leaving Victoria the older girl with her uncle and uncle's wife. Ohman, how victoria cried for lily, so sad. Doubt my sister will ever cry for me. Cheh.

Still trying to  figure out how to work gt's new s3 camera...

M A M A ?

 

luv eu baby.

TWENTY THIRTEEN!!

HEYGUISE! Happy 2013! People on twitter were saying how the world is finally a teenager...uhm, NOT FUNNY??

Hahah alright, might be a lengthy post so sit tight! Anyway, just wanted to say how great a year 2012 has been. I know, its a year of exams. I mean, normal Singaporean kids sitting for national exams don't have to take N & O levels right! But yeap, Zhonghua being Zhonghua has their...unique traits? Its really difficult to get myself studying for O's after N's were over. I did give myself a few days of break before sitting down and mugging for my math and sova (Okay lawlz, don't really think i gave my all for sova....) and chinese was really damn sian lah (Shit, got to stop using singlish!) because after i got a freaking A2 the first time, i guess i really didn't have that kind of energy to push my grade to an A1.

After exams were over, went to source for a part-time job and landed myself in Precious Thots. Really loved the people there, so patient, so funny. Though sometimes it gets a little boring for me. Standing around doing nothing when no customers are around is really not my cup of tea. So many things happened this year, apart from studying (didn't have time for flea whatsoever, had been cooped up at home slogging my guts out for studies...), like grandpa passing away from lung cancer its alright, pretty sure he's up there in heaven having a painless life. (': sometimes when i think about his passing, i just wonder what if we had found out about his sickness earlier? Why didn't we spend more time with him? Why didn't i visit him more often instead of putting my studies as top priority? But it is in times like this where i just have to put all my faith in God. Afterall, He did say that whoever believed in Him would have an eternal life, right?

December was really spent working because its christmas period and that means everyone was doing their christmas shopping! It was also the time for N level results....but its okay, guess all my hardwork paid off! Got a freaking 6 points!! Was superduper happy when my face was flashed on the screen! This just meant that i was going PFP! Though i didn't get my first choice, after spending a looong time brooding over it, i guess i'm just going to have to say i'm happy with where i'm posted to. (: MASS MEDIA MANAGEMENT!

Can't wait for the new school year to staart!

CAAAAMP!

Judging from the title, you'd be dumb to not know that this post is entirely on a camp that i just got back from, say...2 days ago? Yeap. It was le GB camp! Being in the GB, i've had to attend camps EVERY YEAR without fail or my promotion would be delayed. Thank God i'm already staff sergeant (HEH) and this camp was say, 10% optional for me but since its the last camp i'm gonna attend with my batch, why not go for it? So yeah I was whining, and contemplating to sprain my ankle on purpose the day/night before camp because it was reallyyyyyy sian. Sian until cannot sian. But i still woke up the next day at 6.30am and dutifully put on my uniform and grabbed my camp bags and reported to campsite (church) at 7.45am SHARP. -____-

The camp went better than i expected it to be because most of the time, we-the sec4s-were doing our own thing cos the officers were always busy with the juniors. And by that, I also mean the sec3s. Soo, while they were doing things like DRILLS, we were slacking around like a boss, drinking cold water while they were standing under the sun AFTER A HIKE. >:D We didn't have any meal duties so that means no rushing during meal times to cleanup afterward, or rush down from any activities to prepare the food and have our mealtime reduced. (I'm a really slow eater....) AND we didn't have to squeeze and rush like mad dogs during bathing time cos we get to bathe later! Although suffered the aftermath of wind + cold water.... but yeah, really enjoyed my time this year. Perks of being a senior. Nyeheheh.

Day1: Touch Rugby. Glaring sun, thus the pose. (CLARE Y SO CUTE)

 

Day1(night): Teambuilding. What I'm holding actually has an egg in it. Dropped if from 4th floor and NO CRACKS. Team spirit: PASS

 

 

Day2: Just got back from hike (:

 Yup. Summary of my first 2days with the pics i really liked. (: nothing much on 3rd day though. Gonna attend another camp on friday! Its twinneh's church camp. Got a feeling I'll be dead tired by the end of this week...but oh wells, its the holidays! I should do myself some justice! Play hard, work hard. Right..?

#friends #food #fun

Yesterday was Mr Tham's solemnisation. Being one of the teachers i really admire and look up to, friends (R.O.A), clique decided to go to his big day. Went after church, met up with le twinz to get him a card and met up with the rest of the group later on.

Mr Tham's really sweet because after they said all the "I Dos", he sang a song to his wife, which was really sweet. Could see he was nervous but, it was cool. The hotel was damn high-class too. :O after the solemnisation ended, went to clarke quay to meet Rachel and Gek Ting for dinner.

Had initially decided on a sushi buffet but it was a bloody $31.00++ -_-. Hell to the no would i spend that much on a meal. I mean, it is an all you can eat buffet but there's no way i can eat up to over $31.00! So we walked around and decided on something else instead. But it was all good in the end.

After a filled tummy, decided to walk by the river (which is bloody nice btw,) and I got fascinated by all the lights. Took photos, and we went down to the pub areas too. The pubs had really nice and bright lighting and some shops had tables outside with little candles in candle holders for people to dine there. So pretty. Prolly sound like a kid right now but thats only because I haven't been to such places before! And I finally know how shisha (did i spell it right?) smells like. Didn't know that was shisha till Aloy told us.
"Can you smell that sweet fruity smell?"
"Yeah, is someone eating sweets?"
"No lah that's shisha. See those pipe thingy?"

OHH so thats shisha.

Took more photos of the lights and decos and there was a little stall that sells masks and jewellry. The masks were the ones that caught my eye. They were so pretty I wish i could take a photo of it. But photography wasn't allowed so....

It was really nice to spend a sunday night with the people I love and not receving any "Where are you now?" or "What time are you coming home?" messages and phonecalls from ze parents really made it even better. I know that I have a curfew and its really not safe for a tiny person like me to be walking around cos its not safe. So i try not to come home after 11. AND i texted le momz when I was on my way home. (: #responsible. Now that everyone's working and there's no more school, its really difficult to meet up with friends. Even with whatsapp and instant messaging, its not quite the same anymore.

All in all, it was a really nice night. (':

(/^o^)/

So nice!

Taking A Breather...

National exams finally over, got a part time job! Its kinda weird to not mug for anything anymore. The feeling of waking up every morning and plan a timetable for the subjects that has to be done mentally is gone and huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Going to poly next year means everything to me. I don't think I can make it for the big O's. I really don't have that kind of energy to keep me going anymore. Or maybe its because I'm getting too used to this free&easy lifestyle?

Class chalet tmr. Can't wait. Just a few thingy bothering me right now. Things like me being too big a coward to face my own fears and get over my paranoia. Its like this fear is eating me up from the inside, slowly devouring my flesh and crunching my bones, sucking me dry.

People write about how they swoon over boys and how boys just sweep em off their feet. But I wonder if any guy ever scared a girl to an extend she builds a wall around her to not let anyone in and to not let herself out? The enitre daryl thing bugged me for more than a year and I always get freaked out by people that show the tiniest resemblance to his personality. And then I shun that poor lad and end up hurting him. Close friends can be guys too but it really sucks when I realised that I've actually hurt the people that care a lot about me. And why? Because I can't face my fear. Because I'm too weak to. Because I got hurt.

Such a coward.

Tmr is the class chalet and I don't want to ruin it for everyone because the boy I hurt due to my selfishness is going to be there. And he is going to want answers. Answers that I cannot give because I don't know what to say. I may make this sound like a big deal and maybe a month or two I re-read this and flinch because I was so bloody stupid and immature. But I just feel like I have to get this off my chest and what better way to do so than to do it here? I really didn't mean for this to happen, everything just spiralled out of control.

Sometimes I look at the things I've done, and ask myself 'how much shit have I gotten myself into?' and the answer to that is: Enough to bury me alive. Maybe one day I can't take all this shit and put a bullet through my skull, someone will chance upon this and see why I had to what I did.