National exams finally over, got a part time job! Its kinda weird to not mug for anything anymore. The feeling of waking up every morning and plan a timetable for the subjects that has to be done mentally is gone and huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Going to poly next year means everything to me. I don't think I can make it for the big O's. I really don't have that kind of energy to keep me going anymore. Or maybe its because I'm getting too used to this free&easy lifestyle?
Class chalet tmr. Can't wait. Just a few thingy bothering me right now. Things like me being too big a coward to face my own fears and get over my paranoia. Its like this fear is eating me up from the inside, slowly devouring my flesh and crunching my bones, sucking me dry.
People write about how they swoon over boys and how boys just sweep em off their feet. But I wonder if any guy ever scared a girl to an extend she builds a wall around her to not let anyone in and to not let herself out? The enitre daryl thing bugged me for more than a year and I always get freaked out by people that show the tiniest resemblance to his personality. And then I shun that poor lad and end up hurting him. Close friends can be guys too but it really sucks when I realised that I've actually hurt the people that care a lot about me. And why? Because I can't face my fear. Because I'm too weak to. Because I got hurt.
Such a coward.
Tmr is the class chalet and I don't want to ruin it for everyone because the boy I hurt due to my selfishness is going to be there. And he is going to want answers. Answers that I cannot give because I don't know what to say. I may make this sound like a big deal and maybe a month or two I re-read this and flinch because I was so bloody stupid and immature. But I just feel like I have to get this off my chest and what better way to do so than to do it here? I really didn't mean for this to happen, everything just spiralled out of control.
Sometimes I look at the things I've done, and ask myself 'how much shit have I gotten myself into?' and the answer to that is: Enough to bury me alive. Maybe one day I can't take all this shit and put a bullet through my skull, someone will chance upon this and see why I had to what I did.
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