peace.

Been battling with myself for the longest time.

I tell everyone i love sleeping. But sometimes i think that's just a cover up. I can't remember how long it's been since i could sleep because i could simply just, sleep. In the recent years, i sleep to run away from my thoughts. Because i couldn't stand how much mental torture i was subjecting myself to.

I always told myself that the only way to get temporal peace was through my dreams. I don't remember my dreams anymore. But sometimes, once in a very long time i still see fragments of it when i'm awake. But it's often nightmares. I see people dying, sometimes i see myself killing someone. It's actually quite worrying now that i've put it in words. :/

I might have lied by saying that i've been staying away from my bad habits. It's so difficult to stay strong and "clean" when i'm constantly polluting my head with thoughts that should not even be there. But what makes it hard is to smile and talk to everyone like i am normal.

I know everyone is fighting a battle of their own. This is partly why i don't talk about my problems. O at least try not to. My disability to voice out my problems is hindering me. So many times i want to tell my friends that i'm not okay. I'm falling apart and i feel like death. But i just can't bring myself to do it.

Situations like staycations, camps, chalets, gatherings always have groups of people talking about things they will hardly ever talk about. Things that are so deep and private that it can't be mentioned in public. And everyone around me will mention at least 1 issue they're currently facing. Me? I sit there listening, advising.

My issue isn't because nobody asks if i'm okay or not. My issue is i can't bring myself to say what's wrong. And how pathetic is that? I have friends that i have come to see are reliable, real and are my pillars of strength. But i cannot tell them what's wrong. And i hate it. It's at the tip of my tongue but there's nothing i can say.

I missed the happier me. When i wasn't so tormented by myself.

Happy birthday, Chubbz!

Okay this is a belated birthday post.

I try to stop writing birthday posts cos recently i think i might be going back to that dark place of mine where i think that nothing is worth everything.

I do have a few groups of friends and i hold some of them really close to my heart. My closest group of friends are my secondary school friends since they've been in my life for almost 8 years?

Hi babe. You might never see this. Ever. Or you might, since your snooping powers are impeccable. Either way, i hope that when you see this, you will know how much i appreciate our friendship.

The first time i met you in sec 1, i'll be frank, i didn't like you. At all. I thought you were this annoying, vulgar ah lian that vented her anger on her desk and books by throwing them around your area. And i found it annoying how you're always catching me red handed eating my grapes in class.

But then as we got older, you became a big part of my life.

You never failed to stay by my side. I am not an easy person to handle. But every time i started to push people away in my life, you will always stay and you constantly assured me that you'll stay here. You never failed to give me encouragements and provide your assistance when i needed it (and sometimes when i pretend to not need it.) all through secondary school. Especially with my chinese.

And then when it was time for N levels, we both realised that we wanted different things. You wanted to stay in Zhonghua whereas i wanted skip my O's. Embarking on the PFP journey was intimidating for me but you gave me your full support and encouraged me to accept the offer. And when school started, so many times i felt that coming to PFP was a colossal mistake. I constantly felt that i wasn't good enough. I felt that i didn't put in enough effort and constantly felt so discouraged that everyone around me were achieving better results than me. And so many times i felt like giving up and just walk out of school when you would magically drop me a text!

You were so busy with your O's and i will never forget how you still went out to catch a movie with me (i can't rmb what movie it was tho,) despite your prelims being so near. You would always make time for me and i genuinely appreciate that.

So many people say that i am "fearless" but honestly, there are so many things that scare me. One of it is the fear of everyone leaving me. You see, i experienced an episode in the past that every single friend i had turned their backs on me. But let's leave that story to another day. And after that incident, i refused to tell anyone anything. Including my own parents. All my problems, frustrations, insecurities and fears i kept them to myself. Because i was so afraid that people would never see me the same way and whatever happened before, will happen again. And slowly i found myself getting so consumed by my demons that it started to tear my life apart.

It honestly took me a long time to start opening up to people again. You taught me how to open up and you showed me how no matter what my fears or problems were, you will still help me get through them. I don't know if you know how much you mean to me. I appreciate every single thing you did for me. From walking me home every single time we go out, to calling me because i was so upset and crying because of my job and not leaving my side when i fainted. (Do you rmb how once in secondary school you put 2 packs of cheese fries in your school bag and smuggled it into class for me and cheryl hay? Even though you hated the smell of cheese so much.)

You helped me open up once again babe. And although the fear of being alone is still in me and still quite strong, thank you for helping me overcome it bit by bit. There's still a lot of things that i cannot bring myself to say and so many times i feel inadequate for anyone. But i know that i am extremely blessed to have you in my life.

So babe, please stay. We have so many more birthdays to celebrate with each other and so much more nonsense to create. I love you so much GT, thank you for being my friend.

A Mourning Nation

It was a sad start to this week, 

I thought that this week would be more or less the same. And the sunday before, i had spent the evening with my secondary school friends having a barbeque at HY's. Even though the past few weeks there were announcements from the PMO that Mr Lee Kuan Yew was sick and his condition just deteriorated, i honestly hoped that he would make it to SG50.

So the morning after a really enjoyable night with some close friends, i woke up to check twitter and found out that LKY has passed on. 23 March 2015. Many social media accounts turned their display photo black and white. And Singapore was to go through a week of mourning in respect for our founding father.

Citizens were allowed to pay their last respects to LKY from Wednesday to Saturday. I went on a late Friday evening and the queue was 7 hours long! We started at Padang, proceeded to Esplanade, went through the floating platform, back to Padang, to Clarke Quay where we walked past Timbre to go through the security checks. Barely spent a minute in the Parliament house. But still i gave a slight bow in front of the coffin.

Never really expected myself to stay throughout the whole 7 hours. (On top of that, i actually held onto a yellow gebra i think, and although everyone was pretty sure it will die in my hands before we could reach the Parliament house, it survived!) I guess one of the reasons why was because i caught just a tiny glimpse of poverty before.

When i was 13, i went on my first mission trip with the GB to Cambodia and we had to stay in a village for 3 days i think. There was no hot water, no internet, no tv. We went round villages distributing old clothes and went to local village schools to teach english and play with children. We only spent 3 days in the village and the remaining 3 or 4 days in the city. After the trip, i of course, learnt how to appreciate my things and my family a lot more. 

But i guess if you're living in a first world country, it's easy to take things for granted. So when i found out LKY passed away, i got reminded of my short 3 days in Cambodia. And it sort of felt like someone did the ice bucket challenge on  me. :/

I had overlooked the safety, the cleanliness and the education this tiny island provided for me. I can walk the streets at 3am in the morning (believe me i tried, hehe) without the fear of getting robbed and go to a school to attend a course i actually have passion in (and fuel my passion) is all because of LKY. So i felt it was only right to thank the man that has build this teeny tiny island into a strong independent country.

God could've placed me in a filthy rich family and my filthy rich parents could've provided me with security, sent me to the school with the best media course in the world, fed me with the best food and clean water and satisfied ALL my material wants. But instead, God blessed me with a leader that spent his whole life building this nation. Of course i'm not saying my parents don't give me the best lah, walao. But my point is, that even though i wasn't placed in a filthy rich family, God blessed my life (and the lives of many others) with LKY.

So thank you, Mr Lee.

"50 years ago, he cried for the nation. 50 years later, the nation cried for him."

Rest well, sir. You can leave the rest to us.

Last night was probably the worst experience ever. And i know it will be unprofessional of me to disclose everything here but i just want to vent it all out.

Initially i thought that it was because i wasn't orientated enough in this new environment and therefore i messed up 3/4 of the day. Then i started beating myself down and eventually bullied myself to the point of actually making myself cry. (I am probably the biggest bully i have ever came across lol.)

But now that a series of things have happened, i realised that in fact, i should not feel embarrassed about anything. At least i am brave enough to tell the world i messed up. And i try my best to learn from things.

I did stand up for myself. But some people are just downright disgusting.

There's not much for me to do if the word 'legal' is going to be pulled in. Can't rectify much if a signature is required for me at every single step.

At the end, it's situations like this that i come to see who is "nice" and who's genuinely nice. Someone should have said something. But everyone, once again, left me to rot and die by myself.

Thanks guys. Yes, i will be much better off without y'all.

Post exam life!

Okay let's start from the day i ended my exams

25 Feb:
Ran an afternoon of errands after my paper (buying rachel's present, make up remover...) and went home for a short tv sesh with the mother before leaving the house again for gbtb to celebrate rachel's 19th!

cheenz

Family photo as usual

27 Feb:
CNY gathering at nehneh's house and didn't take any photos boohoo. But we had steamboat again and we watched movies. Then we (morris, pri and i) got stranded at cck because the train broke down twice. So we walked to yew tee to pri's house while i waited for the parents to pick me up. We watched some pretty cool videos and i wanted to play with her frogs :(

2 March
Went out shopping with momma and she bought a pair of shoes! I had a job interview at raffles and thank god i got the job! I was so happy when i was offered to sign the contract immediately after the interview was over. Glad to say i am back to being a yogurt girl! I hope that everyone will be as nice and as welcoming as the people in Menchie's. :(

3 March
Watched Kingsmen with bestie before he leaves for china for 5 weeks. (Goodluck with your 2nd language and all the cockroaches hiak) and he got me a purple lipstick from Korea!

4 March
Went for my ftt at 9am and i failed by a mark fml. But its okay, i had lunch with moma and sissy at Swenson's and then i went home and slept for 4 hours.

5 March

Went out with Judith and Renu after their paper and had a nice time :)

Okay i'm sorry if this post is nothing but "diary entries" because life after exams = spending time with the people around me.

The number of days i spend NOT beating myself down and feeling depressed are increasing. And i know this is just a phase, but it's nice to remind myself that there are days that i go through actually being genuinely happy and enjoying myself.

Void.

I know that there comes a time in life where we all start losing people. And i don't mean friends, i mean that i'm losing people because they start to die.

No matter how much i prepare myself for the void that i will have to face, i can't fully prepare myself. I don't know how i'm going to accept things when the time comes.

Was writing on my dayre last night and i said that life is like a fruit bowl. And we are all just fruit. We start out green and sour before blossoming into big juicy sweet fruit. Then just as we grow, we decay. And sometimes it starts from the inside. Nobody knows that our insides are starting to rot. But it's all just part of life.

Old fruit get taken out, new ones are being placed in the big bowl.

Time cannot be stopped. Maybe thats why people can't exactly cure cancer. Maybe cancer is a way to say that time is leaving your body. Even the juiciest and sweetest of strawberries turn black and rotten.

"It's better to burn than to fade away."

But if you burn, i don't have the chance to kiss your ashes goodbye. If you fade, i can still hold you until you slip through my fingers.

"Everything is more beautiful when doomed."

We only see the beauty and splendor in things that we are losing or have already lost. Death is inevitable. How is it that only in death do we see the true beauty in people and in things? Why is it that only in death do we learn that time is of the essence and we have to make every minute count?

We're all going back to heaven one day to sing with the angels and live for eternity. At least that's what i believe. But what do i do while i'm still down here, and you're up there?

I can pray a thousand times for God to give me more time. But i know that you can't stay here with me forever. When God calls, He calls you home.

Well, i guess this is just how life works.

See you in heaven.

Being firm

Really thankful i found that quote in my previous post. I am constantly reminding myself that this year, i'm going to turn 19 and it's time to act like a proper adult. Or at least start learning how to behave like one.

But recently, i found out just how manipulated i have let myself become. I tried guarding myself against people outside of my little circle of comfort but it breaks my heart to find out that the pain comes from inside my circle. Absolutely gutted that things have come to this state. But i guess it's always better to cure the wound ASAP before it festers right? No matter how much it hurts in the beginning?

Today, i asked myself what should i do. And i came up with this: Heart or brain, whichever is right. The heart definitely stores memories that i wish to keep. But the brain states facts and as hurtful as it may seem, facts are facts.

I came to the conclusion that i should follow my morals and principles. And of course, follow in the footsteps of Christ. But i am also very disgusted and tired of how i am being treated. I want to stand up for myself yet i fear that i may once again lose everything and everyone.

I am going to base my solution on my morals and my principles. And of course, God. I love my friends and i want to help them become better people.