Relapse

Firstly, this post is not (and will never be) meant to be "attention seeking" in any way.

Recently i've been grappling with my own personal issues and i refuse to talk to anyone about anything because honestly, i know no one will give a damn. Everyone's all caught up in their own battles. Its not fair for me to further burden them with my own issues.

There's so many things running through my head and it will take an eternity to talk about them. In the past, i thought that my problems will go away if i had a real problem in hand. Which was why i started cutting myself in the first place.

But then i got called "bad influence", "attention seeking" because of what i did. I knew it was wrong. But it wasn't fair to call me "attention seeking" because of this. I just have a different way of dealing with my problems. What does that have to do with you?

I know, my body is supposed to be a temple. And i might've ruined it all for myself, by myself.

I hate how i can't tell anyone about this because they won't understand. "It's just a phase." that's what they'll say. Or they'll ask me to suck it up and move on. They'll say it's childish. And it just hurts. Why can't i say the same thing about people who bake or draw or run when they're upset?

Why is it that every time i try to mention anything regarding this i get shot down?

And it's perfectly okay for others to turn to cigarettes and alcohol when they're feeling down? Why is it that they can turn back to what kills them to feel alive and i can't? Am i not allowed some time for myself in my own room with a blade to let everything out the same way they are allowed to have a stick or drink?

Whatever lah, Ya'll can call me whatever ya'll want. But don't come preaching to me about me ruining my life/body when you poison yourself with different forms of toxic.

Festive Hotel, 13-15 Oct 2014

Spent the last week of my holidays with friends from secondary school and we finally got round to doing our long awaited staycation!


13 Oct, Mon
Met at 11am on monday at vivo's mrt where we had brunch before buying some food and drinks for the stay. Walked to Sentosa with all our heavy bags and it basically felt really good throwing them on the floor of the hotel. We spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening in Siloso beach where we just took (a lot of) pictures and talked.

Don't lie guys, pretty sure ya'll really wanted to do this to me throughout the entire 3 days

The twin being so sisterly to help take the sunglasses out cos it was stuck in my hair

Eat my shit

Wth is wrong with you

#thankful4u

Basically what i have to say for the whole stay

And then we had pizzahut for dinner! Went back to the hotel after walking around vivo for a bit. Watched movies like Spiderman, some chinese movie that was playing and evil dead (that twin and rachel did not dare to watch so they left the room at 3am lol and low was already asleep,) and step up and teen titans and martin mystery

I think the last movie we watched was the exorcism of emily rose that was so slow, everyone fell asleep. Must have fell asleep at 5am i think?

14 Oct, Tues

Woke up at 11 the next day and after chilling in the hotel we left for the beach again but this time to take the Luge ride!

Went back to the hotel and ate some chips so we weren't really hungry. Low and twin took a quick night swim in the pool and then after they got showered we left for supper/dinner at Toastbox at 11pm LOL. Then we went back to the hotel and drank.....quite a bit.

Okay, i didn't drink as much with them as with the jags because i just didn't feel like it. But it was enough to make me feel a little tipsy. Then chubbz and twin continued playing drinking games whilst rachel and i just watched and laugh at them. Low was asleep (again).

Sometime through the night (or day, however you wanna call it,) security came up and basically told us to shut up because someone said we were being too noisy. After that twin and gt got reallyyy drunk. And i felt really really sleepy too.

So only rachel and low (that actually got up later) were the only ones awake enough to take care of the drunk (and puking) chubbz.

I don't know what time i slept but i'm guessing around 3 or 4 in the morning. Got up at 11am thanks to chubbz for tugging on my blanket. I was cosy though, but at least it was a gentle way to wake someone up hehe.

And we checked out before 1! I think. Went to vivo for lunch at fish and co before going home. And i took a nap for like, 3 hours LOL.

Anyway, thanks for being to enthusiastic about this girls! 6 years of friendship let's make this last as long as we can!

"& we'll never be royals"

Was going to write a post about my last few weeks of holidays but apparently i'm in a very bad mood tonight i can't even help myself. :(

Growing up is so tough because you need to learn how to keep your feelings in check and feel comfortable in your own skin and deal with 2 faced people and try to keep your mood swings under control and try to control your rage and swallow all the shit people throw your way and understand that everyone else is going through the same shit (if not worse) like you.

ASD;LKJFX';BLKSHG

School has made me so depressed. And it's not even week 1 of sem2 yet lol.

I pray so hard to not do anything stupid. 4 years of unbroken skin and i pray it'll remain that way. For life. It's so hard to stay away but i have to. And i have been staying away. 

Staycation with Jags round 2

Been meaning to write about this for quite a while.

September 15-17 was spent with the jaguars in MBS for our 2nd staycation together! It was so nice to spend 3 whole days with them since year 1 started. I hardly ever get to be with all of them together in a very long time. :(

15 September
Anyway, Monday started of with me meaning to get up early (I actually set an alarm for it) to pack my bag for the stay. But as usual I overslept lol. Was going to meet nehneh and priyah at bayfront at 1pm. But I was only done packing at 12.20pm :/

 Arrived at tower 1 lobby at 1plus. Thank god for the downtown line. It really cut down my travelling time and the number of times I have to change trains. After nehneh's dad was done checking in, we hurriedly dumped our bags in the room (of course taking a few selfies first) before heading out to our usual ajisen ramen for lunch at the food court in the mbs shoppes. After a while Iris came and then we headed back to the room for some Tokyo Ghoul. (I actually downloaded all the episodes but completely forgot my hard drive.) We watched Tokyo Ghoul and youtube videos until (way past) dinner time where Asyu came. But cos Iris' friends came to use the pool, they took the room card with them and so we were stuck inside the room. I had to pee in the dark.

After dinner, which consisted of a huge burrito Iris' friend kindly brought for us, we went to 7-11 to get some drinks and cup noodles for supper. Around midnight Morris came.

We came up with a plan to get back at Morris for hogging the bed in the previous staycation. We decided to stick pads in the bathroom and one in bed so that he won't touch it. It was actually just lipstick + water. So the pad was actually clean. Sort of.

Looks pretty realistic anyway.

 

"you look like a slut"-Iris

 

Never really noticed how  f a t  my face looks here -_-

 

He fell for it needless to say. After we all got washed up, we ate cup noodles and watched stupid movies like Bad Neighbours and A Million Ways to Die in the West. We were initially watching Evil Dead but apparently it was too gory for the rest to handle. Also, Morris brought his cable and connected nehneh's laptop to the TV so we didn't have to watch from a small laptop screen!

 

Fell asleep pretty late. I was the last one to sleep. Excluding Morris because he fell asleep and woke up to watch TWD and then fell asleep again. I think we must've slept at like 4? Talked in bed until we fell asleep. :)

 

16 September

Woke up in the afternoon the "next day". I think we all woke up because we were hungry. Oh once again I was the last to wake up and I actually rolled off the bed.

 

Stood behind the curtain to take these photos cos waiting for all the princesses to get ready. And I was hungry so I had to keep my stomach distracted.

 

Morris did my eyeliner + mascara that day!

 

Headed to Lucky Plaza for Jollibee for (idek what to call it anymore) breakfast/lunch/dinner??? Then the rest of the jags went to get cake for Iris while I brought her back to the hotel room to chill. Wanted to go to a bar for some drinks but there wasn't enough time. Chilled by watching some movie which we didn't even finish lol.

 

 

We gave Iris a super belated (8 months lol) surprise by giving her a chocolate cake and a bottle of vodka which i got from Lucky Plaza the day before with Eunice and Gekting. Iris brought her own vodka too btw.

 

That night was....eventful. Iris and i started off by drinking from her own bottle of vodka while waiting for the rest to arrive. Then continued until we finished it even after they came back. We played charades and recorded the whisper challenge. It was so funny. We actually drank half of the new bottle of vodka!

 

Needless to say, Iris was drunk cos she got a can of beer otw back too. Nehneh and Pri took sips and idk how much Morris drank. But I don't think they drank as much as Iris and I (even though she drank waay more fosho)

 

Then Iris started drunk dancing. I was tipsy too. The first time drinking so  much more than usual i can't really stand or walk straight. Decided it was best to walk around. But all the bodohs forgot to take the card out so we ended up getting locked outside.

 

Morris and pri and nehneh and asyu went down to the concierge to get another key i think. Leaving me with the drunk Iris.

 



Then when they finally got back, I don't remember how but Iris, asyu, nehneh and I went to the staircase and the two drunk ones just started laughing among themselves. Iris started doing jumping jacks.

Idek what she's doing???

 

I love vodka and vodka loves me

Happy (super) belated birthday babe.

(na)bae

Tipsy nehneh hahaha

Once again, idek what she's doing??

 

Finally went back to the room and Pri and I had to get Iris to sleep. Can't remember what nehneh was doing. But Morris was dyeing Asyu's hair. We all went to shower when they were done. After that i kinda slept for a while while waiting for macs (that pri ordered before). After i woke up i was more refreshed and ate my food. But the coke tasted like vodka. I didn't even touch the frappe cos I don't wanna know what vodka + macs + caffeine would do to me. Watched Hotel Hell while eating.

 

Fell asleep at 4am to Hotel Hell. Took a few videos that night of drunk Iris but I don't think I should post them hahah

 

17 September

Woke up the "last day" because I had a job interview at Factorie in Vivo. First to wake up this time yay (with the aid of the alarm duh) and left the hotel first. After my interview (which i felt I did well) I met up with Eunice cos hers was an hour before mine and she was shopping around vivo. Had lunch with her while waiting for the rest of the jags to check out.

 

My face when I woke up on the last day cos I don't wanna check outttt

 

Met them (minus Morris cos he had to go home to rest before cheer practice that day) at Topshop. Then nehneh, iris and i went to the cinema to get tickets for Step Up All In. Had lunch with asyu and pri at the food court.

 



Got Carl's Jr for the show and after the show we headed home. I was so tired on my way home I couldn't even walk straight!

Once again, spent a really good 3 days with the jags and I knocked out once I was done showering cos I was so so so tired. Oh and did I mention I woke up with my muscles hurting so much that day that it felt like they were on fire?? It hurt so bad I couldn't even sit on the toilet bowl and started hurting-or burning-after the show.

Missing the jags already. :( This staycation was not as hectic as the first cos we had already planned out where we wanted to go. This one was more relaxed. But so much more eventful. What I would give to go back to Monday. :(

Sorry for all the sibei step photos but hey mandatory pose w vodka lol

Priyah's 18th

Overdue post but no matter.

Priyah's birthday fell on the 20th August and for the 2 years in poly, her birthday always fell smack in the exam period. This year, it was 6 days away from our marketing paper.

Jags and i got together and initially we couldn't decide on what to get her because she has everything. So we decided to get her everything black since it was her favourite colour. Then i thought, why not draw on the bag we're gonna give her?

So we did. I stayed up till 3am once i was done revising for my marketing to draw on her bag. We decided on all her favourite band logos like Bastille, 1975, the nbhd, bvb and matt healy.

Nehneh text pri's mom and said that we would be going to her house to give her a surprise with balloons in the afternoon. And her mum decide to play along by lying to pri by telling her that they'd be going out.

Took a bus from hougang to woodlands and was about to board the train when nehneh asked if i could get the balloons from cwp cos asyu would be late. After i got the balloons, i felt like i was gonna fly away while waiting for the train to come because i was holding 5 balloons and the wind was so strong!

Arrived at yt and met neh for some chow at macs. Then we saw pri and her mum walking around yt point! We decided that if her mum and her were to continuously walk around yt point it'll get very suspicious. So we decided to just surprise her.

After a while, asyu came. And we decided to go to yishun for Seoul Garden since it was a tradition for pri. Also, morris and iris will be meeting us there.

Had a great time barbequeing food and trying not to melt my contact lens into my eyeballs. Morris said that he was going to show us Freckles, his dog, but we actually went to get her cake. (And Freckles). Met them at the park in Yishun where we gave her her present.

Freckles!!!

It was so nice to take a break from all that studying. Even if it was just one night.

On the way home, Iris and i decided to stop by macs to get a drink. Then we waited at the bus stop for our bus to arrive. But then our stomachs started hurting suddenly and the bus seemed to take forever to arrive. So we decided to just take a cab back.

Came home feeling like my intestines were about to explode and eyeballs were as dry as the desert. But it was fun :)

Happy birthday priyah!

"Why are we friends?"

Just decided to pen down some thoughts about friendship. Taking a break from my updates. This post is not targeting anyone in particular. Just some words my brain would like to say.

People often ask me why i'm friends with xxx. Why i'm friends with her, why i'm friends with him. What so good about xxx. Whether i'm scared to be friends with a lesbian. Why am i friends with homosexuals.

And to all that, i say: I'm not sure. XXX is a nice person. You just need to know him/her better.

It took me a long time to figure this out but i finally did it.

When i am friends with someone, i don't care about looks or wealth. I care a lot about personality. I don't see a friend as a person but as what the person is on the inside. I look at the soul.

You can have bad breath, bad fashion sense or come from a poor family. I don't care. The soul is pure, the personality is good. Why can't we be friends?

I often try to look at the person's good side. Try to understand where they come from, their rationale behind whatever they do.

But in every relationship, it takes two hands to clap. I try my best to be there for you 24/7. I try to pick you up when you are down. I try to understand you. I try to be nice. I try to be your friend. But in return, its only fair if you do the same.

I know myself. I don't forgive easily. But it's easier for me to forgive than for me to forget. I can forgive all the hurt you cause me, but its very difficult to forget that you did it to me. Its a bad habit but i like to see it as a way of keeping myself safe. Because yknow, "once bitten twice shy" right.

(its hardest to forgive myself but that's another story for another day)

It hurts me too. To cut people off from my life. But i hope its for the best. If we're not beneficial to each other's growth in life, then what's the point in carrying on when its going to hurt us all in the end?

18th Birthday

Apologies if i took so long to write here. Been swamped with assignments and exams ended about 2 weeks ago. Anyway, i feel that my 18th birthday was a special occasion. And i really appreciated the efforts my friends made just to keep me happy.

I remember that week was close to Marketing ICA submission and my group had basically screwed up the entire presentation (pls don't ask about my grades for that test) and i kinda assumed the role of the editor and collater(?) of the project. I was swimming in all the reports and projects from other modules. It was the first time in a looong time i actually felt stressed. I hardly ever feel stressed because i refuse to let myself feel so.

Plus, the parents were vacationing in Malaysia that week. Which means they weren't going to be home to celebrate my birthday with me.

But, the sister bought my favourite foods almost every night that week. From pasar malam snacks to peach tarts to a green tea feast once the clock strike 12 on my birthday! She also downloaded the whole TeenTitans series and the american version of Ju On.

Chubbz and twin appeared at my doorstep at midnight too with a big cake! It was totally unexpected and yes i closed the door on their faces. (But the sister urged me to open it for them haha) they chilled at my house for a while and we took polaroid photos too! I actually feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside just writing this hehe. I was so touched that night even though i may not have shown it.

Then, in the morning, i met up with the marketing group to continue our project. (Because i have such an exciting birthday i do projects on my birthday morning) and met up with the jags for a movie! We caught Ju-On 3, the japanese version. Which was kinda disappointing. When i met them though, sneaky Morris had pretended to meet me at the MRT gantry before walking me to this area at iON where the jags were hiding with a giant cupcake balloon, cupcakes from 12 cupcakes and a box of handwritten notes with sweets and coffee biscuits and photos of us with my face, Benedict Cumberbatch's face and Teen Titans stuck all over it. (Again feeling warm and fuzzy on the inside)

It was a short celebration and Iris wasn't there. But it's okay because we're having our staycation next week again!!

Also, did i mention i share my birthday with Eva?? We're a year apart if she was born earlier/i was born later how cool would that have been??

Okay i think i'll end my post here. Will probably continue to update this space but more frequently now that school's out for now. :)