Dear God,

Is it wrong to be heartless? Is it wrong to give up hope on people? Is it wrong to not trust people anymore as much as i used to?

Been so confused recently.

I know, the whole incident between D and i, it was my impulsive reactions and me not having the ability to think about the repercussions. And i sincerely apologise for that babe. What i felt was unfair was what she did to me after.

I trusted them, they were my childhood bestfriends and my crush. My childhood bestfriend's brother. Yet they all ganged up on me and played this dumb game that was supposed to just make my crush on him disappear? If i could apologise to D right now, i would.

D i'm sorry for writing all that trash about you. I'm sorry i caused this incident to happen. I'm sorry that our friendship was ruined because of my selfish, impulsive acts.

But why would they play such a sick prank on me? I trusted them. All the sleepovers, all the tuition sessions. I was cornered in a room, confronted, alone. About what happened which i obviously regretted.

I fell flat on my face that time and no one came forward to help me. Why guys? Were you talking bad about me behind my back? I trusted each and every single one of you. I would've trusted you with my life. But when trouble started brewing i had no one by my side. All of you pretended i was nothing, that i wasn't even there.

All the titles their parents held, and they used that against me. When everything was over, everyone pretended to go back to their normal lives. D left for USA and everyone grew up. But what about me? I realised how truly alone i am in this place that was supposed to have people there for me 24/7. Have i ruined all that?

I'm sorry, D, if you come back and i am so distant from you and everyone else. I can't bring myself to face you and your family. I can't bring myself to forgive you and your family. I can't bring myself to sit on the same table as all of you. I can't bring myself to be nice and smile and go back to how it all was before. Because i'll feel like it is all a facade. Its not true and i'll be two faced and be the same as the people i detest.

I think i can't forgive you for that prank because i can't forgive myself too. How do i find it in my heart to forgive you when i can't even forgive myself...

Why am i bringing this up after keeping it in for 5 years. I have never talked about this to anyone so why, jy, are you reopening these wounds again?

Because its back to haunt me.

The Jags Take on Marina Bay Sands

Woke up bright (Okay not bright it was gloomy and drizzling) and early on a saturday morning to meet the jags. Nessy's parents booked a room for their family and we were invited to chill. Walked around the Marina Bay Shoppes for a while while waiting for the room to get cleaned up. It was really eye opening for me, a mountain tortoise.  The Shoppes sure had a lot of really high end fashion outlets!

The plan was to chill around the shopping area and room and head for a swim before going for lunch and coming back to chill around some more. But we bought cup noodles and watched telly in the room before heading for the swim.

Comfy bed

Who has the biggest eyes?

Hello Morris

Nessy & Pri you perfect human beings <3

Mandatory bathroom selfies (what am i doing in the bathtub?)

Getting carried by Morris because i'm too tiny to be seen

Where are you Priyah?

Oh and did i mention that my phone can be used to take pictures and videos underwater? Tried out that function and yeap my phone is still alive and well! (Bless you Sony creators)

Erm failed underwater selfie

Bloob bloob bloob (?)

Hehe asyu why are you so cute?

Fiery hair

Infinity pool

Jags <3 (missing Iris!!)

And the person giving out the towels was so amazed. He asked me if what i was using was a waterproof phone. I told him no, its my phone and he asked if it is still working and if its okay i replied yes! Truth be told i didn't expect anyone to notice. I was too afraid my phone will be spoilt! ): I love you my Xperia! I really hope that the videos will be able to work!

UPDATE

Just a nice wordy chunk from me before i start to guilt trip myself for not studying.... #lifeofanasiankid #goodbyegpa #threepointeightmyass

This is the second week of school and i can't believe its also the last semester spent with PF1322. I know that i'm perpetually whining about how much i miss zhonghua/4N1'13 but at the end of the day, i still very much appreciate PF1322.

So anyway, on my last week of holidays, i went to the beach with the pfp bunch:

Had really bad cramps that day and i'm so thankful that it left the moment i stepped foot onto the beach! (God and his excellent timing huh!) Twin and i made sandwiches, alphy made nuggets, SS brought the mat and utensils, Craig and ZH brought drinks and chips and Elgin made chicken pasta! Its really nice to see everyone put in effort.. (:

Played by the beach and took turns looking after the things. While the boys were playing, twin and i sat there to keep an eye on our belongings. Cue shameless camwhoring:

Strong winds

Left the beach at around four plus to shower and headed back to vivo to grab a drink at coffee bean. We had planned for a movie after our beach date but couldn't decide on what to watch. (See, this is what happens when you've got so many people of different movie taste, you can't really decide on anything without someone complaining.) Decided to have dinner instead and have a movie marathon on some other day. Headed to Chompz for dinner and to Elgin's house to chill.

 Favourite photo of the day. We look so happy. (:

 Hashtag multiple eyelids

Two days later (wednesday) met up at alphy's house for a movie marathon where we laughed at stupid films and screamed at scary ones. And then i burned my throat on Bacardi because i went home with a sore throat and woke up the next day with a fever and a really bad throat. But the Bacardi was so good. So so good.

Going to miss this pfp bunch and i really hope we'll stay friends will we're old and wrinkly like prunes!

I realised how everytime i blog, it'll be an alternate post of cheerful ones and depressed ones. I hope the next time round i come here i'll be posting more positive posts and not i-want-to-put-a-fucking-bullet-in-my-head post.

Till then!

J

UGH

Exams are over but i still feel like complete and utter crap. I think i'm a wreck right now. I feel so lousy about myself. Like i can never be good enough for anybody.

Recently, i began to look around, at my circle of friends and couldn't help but compare my circle of friends and that of my friends' circle of friends. I feel super insecure about myself right now. Everyone has that one friend that they can always turn to and just have a group of supportive friends that they can always fall back on. Me? Sure, i have a group of supportive friends. I don't think they will mind catching me when i fall but i don't think i will be strong enough to catch them when they fall.

So many people are saying to me that i can always voice out my thoughts and worries and whatever shit that is bothering me but i can't. I don't feel safe with them. Why? Because i have personally heard them judge the rest. They don't even know this person and they judge. And i'm supposed to tell these people my problems? How am i to know if they will say the same things behind my back about me?? As an older friend, i'm supposed to guide the younger ones to make the right decisions and to help them see the world in a better view. But if someone older than me is acting like some 10 year old kid, going around talking behind other's backs then how am i supposed to teach the younger ones??

My problem is that i want to leave this place. But every time i bring it up, they just shoot me down. "Why do you want to leave jy?" "Why are you always doing this to us??" "What's wrong about staying here?" "Why are you always leaving us?"

This is burning problem and you guys have no idea how it feels like to be caged in this environment. You have never cared much about me, why should i do the same? Don't you know it hurts me too? To stay here? I fear myself being judged by the very people i have known in my entire life. I cannot bring anyone new in because people will talk. And for outsiders that say, fuck them haters/nobody has the right to judge you, well, you're so wrong. You don't know half of it. Its not as simple as oh look, she's wearing such low cut clothing/white top and black bra underneath/revealing clothing. Its fear.

How do i bring someone new in if no one is going to accept them? And i am supposed to find my lifelong partner here? 

Why the hell should i spend the rest of my life here, with people that criticise my every move and talk behind my backs when they barely even know me.

I used to talk about others behind their backs too but i have stopped. Because i know its wrong and if that person were to know about this, especially if i'm close to him/her, being stabbed a thousand times over will not compare to the emotional hurt faced by this person.

People are so insensitive. They think that they are being straightforward when in actual fact, they just talk before they process it in their heads. You shoot the person down without thinking and you think that you're right for saying what you said? There is a fine line between insensitivity and being straightforward. When you disregard the person's feelings, you have overstepped your boundaries. There is no wrong in being straightforward. It can be misleading to talk to someone beating around the bush so much that you just want to tell the person to effing tell you the main point. People everywhere are hurting. I'm hurting.

You think i don't know my own flaws? You think i feel good about my flaws??

Just because you're straightforward does not give you the right to hurt others, intentional or unintentional. If you are aware of being straightforward, then it is best that you run through your thoughts, process them first, then speak.

I just want to effing curl into a fetal position and cry because it hurts so bad. It hurts that i can't voice out my worries, it hurts that i'm so insecure about myself, it hurts because there isn't anyone that i know of that can even fathom whatever i'm going through.

It is mentally and emotionally draining to compress all the hurt and just swallow everything down. I wished my heart was a black hole so that it will never have a capacity. I can just dump all these unwanted feelings in and everything will be fine. I can genuinely smile and laugh without having to be conscious of my nearly exploding heart.

When will i ever be okay again?

Update: The Jaguars / Poly Life

In a blink of an eye, i am going to complete the first semester of my first unofficial year in poly. O_O

(wait whuuut?)

Anyway, this sem has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, filled with ups and downs. (Okay, mostly ups. Yay!) And this has been the longest time i have spent apart from my clique in secondary school. Yeah sure, eventually i will have to leave them. I just didn't think it will be so soon. But i am thankful for the friends i made here in NYP. Sure, NYP isn't exactly the best poly in sg but i'm still thankful nonetheless for the Jaguars:

Our first ICA!

They have been such a treasure to me and i am so thankful for their patience and guidance and tolerance towards me. From my never ending fantasy of building a spaceship to my monthly bitch fits i throw, they have always been there for me and i am so so so thankful to God for bringing them into my life. (:

I am supposed to be studying since sem exams are two freaking weeks away but on the account that i've been meaning to write this post, can we please ignore the words "exam" and "study" for tonight?

I know i was so paranoid about not being able to make any friends and be normal but my fears dissipated into thin air the moment i met these guys. Not saying that my friends aren't normal, but lets just say i appreciate their uniqueness and ability to look at things from a different angle. I remember me opening up to Pri, Kerwin and Mel about how i used to cut back in secondary school and it just struck me how i was so ready to open up.

I want to thank everyone that made me laugh so hard abs are starting to form (okay not literally,) and make my day so enjoyable. I haven't dreaded going to school yet so far and no drama has been aroused yet. I want things to be kept this way and for us to laugh everyday. As bimbotic as it sounds, all i want for us is to laugh our days away.

Hey Priyah, thank you for being there for me all the time and entertaining me and my space ship fantasy. Remember how we studied in school that night while waiting for mel & kerwin to get through their auditions? And how we exchanged ghost stories and spooked each other out! Thanks for agreeing with me to go to town just to get my pay after school that day. And thanks for always being so understanding. You are such a gem and i am so thankful you're always there for me.

I know how insecure you are sometimes but do know that you are so strong and so gorgeous (on the inside and out). Don't let anyone get you down. Fight for what you want, for the ones you love. Be strong, heads up and live it our proudly.

Hello Asyura! You're the first friend i made during orientation and how you witnessed my un-glamorously late entrance into the lecture theatre because i was soo late on my first day of orientation! You've stuck with me since that day and became my partner for every pair work hehe. You kanchiong spider.  <3

Hi "boyfriend" you are by far the most hilarious person i have ever met and you're one of the reasons why i always look forward to coming to school. You, your jokes and that diva attitude always make my day. You've never failed to make me laugh everyday in school. Albeit life without you would be quiet hehe but do know i appreciate your company. <3 You have such a strong character so don't let anyone make you feel like you're not worth it. Because you are. 

Hi vanessa! I have a photo of us in our formal wear but you look so cute in this picture i couldn't resist posting it! I remembered how we clicked immediately because of our common like in "The Walking Dead". How we spazzed over Daryl. And we also watched the same animes! You have no idea how much you make me laugh with your unexpected bitch rebuts and perverted jokes. (which i don't understand 90% of the time) Just want to let you know how pretty you are and don't ever let anyone put you down. You are pretty and you should be proud of what you have. (: don't let the judgments of others affect you. Embrace it, and live it out. (:

I don't have a photo with just you and me Iris, i hope i will have one someday. (: Thanks for always tolerating my monthly bitch tantrums and being so motivational. Its nice to finally know you instead of just hearing your voice from across the floor. (hint PPS days...) You might not take the same diploma course as us but please remember us (and me hehe). Thank you for always dropping whatever you're doing just to help me in my math. (': and for repeating yourself because i don't understand the question. You're always so patient with me and i really, really appreciate that. (:

I love you jags. I felt like i had to post this because you all have made my days so much more enjoyable and so much more fulfilling. 

My 17th birthday

Hello blog! Yesterday, i had the best night spent with one of the best company ever! Ever since embarking on this new pfp journey, i haven't had time to let loose with the group of people that saw me through the best (or worse) past four years.

Met gt after church yesterday and we attempted to study. Or rather me. Went to Teadot where i had the sweetest (and biggest) cup of Earl Grey Tea my tongue had ever tasted. And if it sounds really tantalizing, it wasn't. Dafaq they called it a "Earl Grey Lollipop" which was apparently a lethal combination of butterscotch, earl grey and who knows how much sugar. It was diabetes just waiting to happen.

After a while my butt just refused to stay on the chair anymore, we went to walk around Nex. We must've walked around 3 times in the whole shopping centre because i was debating with myself-aloud-if i should get some fried chicken. And yes, i did get it.

Walked around for a bit more and i saw two seasons of Hawaii 5-0 in two CD shops. STEVE MCGARETT JUST SITTING THERE ON THE SHELF BECKONING ME TO BRING HIM HOME. But i didn't. The reason why i wanted the CD so bad was because dad had decided to cancel the cable tv. -I need a moment of silence here....- And this is my favourite show (next to Criminal Minds and Sherlock) which i have recently realised i have become addicted to. ):

So with no cable tv, i will have no AXN and therefore AM UNABLE TO FINISH THE SEASON. But i decided to grit my teeth and tell myself that a) I am going to get rid of this addiction and b) shows now are so easily accessible i can always get it online. I just need the correct site.

So after whining for ages, finally made our way down to the bus stop where we bumped into the cheryls and eileen. Took a bus to twin's and just chilled and ordered pizza for dinner.

Cake and surprise came after dinner while i was helping to clear up. Took photos and laughed a hell lot:

Just me lusting over Steve Mcgarett/Conan O'Loughlin :D

 Oh the wonders of a MacBook Pro

 We is strong peepoh

 Trying to go all Vogue/Cover Girl

UPDATE:

Loads of assignments and tests piling up lately. But i guess thats normal when you're in poly and all. Sometimes i want to crawl back to zhonghua while other times i just feel like sticking my butt onto the chair and spend time with my jags.

Had bfast with momsie before school today and i did tell her how much i loathe the campus's size and space and basically everything about the campus. I told her how i wished i was in NP/SP where their campus grounds are much bigger than mine. But then she told me how not everyone can fit in in that school. Which might happen to me.

Anyway, the exciting thing about this month is that its J U L Y! Favourite month of the year since its my birthday month! I have this feeling that it won't be as eventful as last year's. (What if the jags forgot about my birthday...)

Paranoia, paranoia jy. ):

Found these in my computer and i miss you girls like hell. )': I still doubt myself whenever i think of pfp and it being a right choice. I can't stand going to school without seeing their faces. I wish our friendship will be one that will last us till we grow old.

I miss you girls. xx