Update:

Why am i forever feeling so inferior? Why can't i just prove my worth to everyone for once?

Do you know how difficult it is to grow up in a family that has talent/patience in art?! And how unfair it is to me when i realise i have none?? And how everyone keeps labelling me as "Aik Hoon's daughter" or how saddening i feel when i hear "your mum and sis can draw so well! Can you?" WTFWTFWTF. And when i politely say "no i don't" or "i have no interest", how sickening it is to see their face change. Its like, their eyes carry so much hope that my answer could be a yes and when i say the exact opposite, hope turns into disgust. W H A T  T H E  F U C K ? And then i will keep pushing myself to be an artist.

I tried to prove them wrong by trying to draw. Did it work? Fuck no. Forever feeling so inferior to my sister who actually has awards for her artwork, who has her artwork placed in exhibitions and whose talent is recognised by the church! I have been in the church choir for years! And by that i meant a solid 8 years, then i do something like backup singing for service and even after having a solo part, i still feel so invisible. Worst is, going to school for art lessons and having reality slap me so damn hard on the face when i look at what my hands have drawn.

I keep trying so hard to prove my worth. But everyone at home just keeps beating me down. I get labelled and accused. Feels like i'm not loved at all. Even after getting notified i was nominated for a scholarship, to them its nothing. What am i supposed to do to make them feel proud? What am i supposed to do to get recognised? How come they can look at a piece of paper with ink splashed around and can still see its true beauty while i can't? Isn't the scholarship just another fucking piece of paper? How come they don't see the beauty in it??

"Because you're the youngest in this household so you must do this"

FUCK YOU BITCH DON'T GO USING THIS TECHNIQUE. IT MAKES ME LOSE THAT TINY SHRED OF RESPECT I HAVE LEFT FOR YOU. Am i not your daughter too? Am i not your own flesh and blood too? WHY AM I ALWAYS AN OBJECT FOR PEOPLE TO VENT ON.

How come the older sister doesn't receive this treatment? How come she doesn't get vented on when the parents get angry? How come she doesn't get accused of stealing when money goes missing? How come the parents don't overreact when she goes out with boys? How come my own mother doesn't stand up for me when clearly i did nothing wrong? How come my own mother accuses me first when anything happens?

Mummy aren't you happy i did better for my N's than jiejie? Daddy aren't you glad i aced my physics Ns? Mummy do you love me more now that my art grade is the same as jiejie? Mummy, daddy, jiejie, can you please stop labelling me a slacker now? Mummy, daddy, do you love me more now that i've shown you the scholarship application?

Or do you even love me at all.

Do you guys have any idea how tough it is to try to sleep at night when your head is flooded with voices? Voices of your inner demons, voices telling you to just end it all. Voices in your head telling you that you will never ever be good enough. Not even to your own parents.

Because getting As for exams won't make me any smarter.
Because getting the same grade as my sister for art won't make my parents love me a little more.
Because getting a scholarship is not going to make me stand beside my childhood friends that study in Singapore's top institution feel less inferior.
Because good grades won't get me any more recognised.

Have you ever held in so much anger, you start to sweat cold sweat, your clenched fists tremble in rage, you see stars, your head spins, your throat burns from being unable to voice out? Let alone give off a scream.

Sometimes, all these voices in my head get so loud. I tell them to shut up but it only makes them louder. I try to ignore them but they keep taunting me. I beg them to stop but they keep tapping me at the back, telling me to listen to them.

Those Days Where I....

- Just wanna run around and be a fool
- Wanna try out something totally different (Style, food, whatever)
- Wanna raid my closet and dig out whatever is useful and throw/give the rest away
- Want a piercing.
- Consider, again, about getting a tiny tattoo at the nape of my neck
- Would love to try getting decked out in spikes in skulls
- Should really get out in the sun
- Just wanna laze around in bed
- Can just grab anyone from my contact list and have a uber fun day out
- Really just don't wanna go home
- Feel like going wild
- Can just shove my middle finger down the throats of judgemental people
- Dye my hair dark blue with purple highlights (Or the other way round works too)

Yep, they're all coming back! Basically my bucket list. Going to Taiwan in a few days!!! Ahh can't waitz. Should just make a list of things to do/get in Taiwan:

1. Get a Totoro Bag
2. Get a pair of  Spiked shoes
3. Get a decent bag to carry my books/laptop for when i get to poly
4. Get some other cool stuff.
5. Try out as much street food as i can without falling sick!
6. Try the best oyster mee sua!
7. Try the best dimsum! (Do Taiwanese eat dimsum..?)

How am i supposed to believe myself when the people around me don't?

Jokes are fine, not when i'm the butt of it all the time.

Me, petty? Nope, just tired of explaining.

-

I think,  losing someone, whoever it may be, the feelings are almost the same. This is my personal take.

Losing a pillar of support, be it a relative, a lover, a friend, even a pet, is always, undoubtedly a painful process.

For me, i wouldn't deny that i'm a weak person on the inside despite (sometimes) looking like i don't give a flying fuck to anything. I hold the people i love close to my heart because that is where the memories always live. And i have always relied on others to keep me going, to help me pull through. Throughout the past four years, i have learned so much, gained so much, and of course lost quite a fair bit too. Though i am happy to say that proportion of me losing anything is definitely smaller than what i have gained. I could never ask for any better friends-though i do want to ask for lesser enemies-theses friends always had my back. Be it crying over an immature boy or tearing from frustration, i am always thankful for these wonderful angels in my life.

 

 

And frankly speaking, i no longer feel so happy in church like how i did before, it might have been because of a stupid mistake or my sudden awareness to the people around me. I really do feel alone in the midst of a sea of people even though there are people in there that i have known for my entire life and maybe even more. Its so ironic how i can feel that way. I mean, shouldn't i treat them as my sisters instead of treating them as friends or even just a mere acquaintance??

 

I do understand what its like to lose a relative because i lost my grandpa last november. This cny will be so different now. I do not even want to step into my paternal grandparents' flat. Although my paternal grandma is still alive, the absence of my grandpa will be too overwhelming. No matter how tough things get, i always tell myself that everything is in God's plan. He already went ahead of my future and declared it good.

 

The pain of losing a pillar of support, it engulfs me and i feel like i'm drowning in it. How can emptiness be so filling? But then again, i had always been the trusting kind.

 

To put so much hope in a person, only to see the person up and leave like nothing happened, 100 middle fingers or a hundred "FUCK YOU TOO" will do nothing. A relationship/friendship can never be one-sided. I promised to never be who i was in the past, to give up a friend so easily, but why fight a losing battle? I thought about this matter for the longest time. Everybody has their own reasons. But to realise that i was an object to be vented on made me realise how insignificant i am.

 

Yes, losing someone close at heart is painful. I came up with many reasons as to why my friendship disintegrated: I was merely a toy. Like CL, like ET, like Leanne. To be approached by the person i put my trust in, only because she wanted something or she was bored. Like how certain animals "hunt" when their bored.

 

Right now i am over the sadness and i'm done brooding over the past. When one door closes, another opens. Funny how i can relate this to drugs. If i look at it this way, once the euphoric highness wears off, i suppose you feel the aftermath. Getting over this matter was no easy feat, but now i am just plain disgusted at what a hypocritical person time has changed you to be. Getting all chummy with the people who has repeatedly backstabbed you, caused you nothing but pain and distract you from the most important exam at that time.

 

But still, i am glad all these happened after crunchtime.



Chris Kuzneski

Okay, recently i've been reading a series of books-no not fifty shades of grey-by Chris Kuzneski. And i gotta say, this is the first time in a loong time i actually like an author this much. Apart from Rhold Dahl, which had been my favourite author when i was in kindergarten, i never really had any other author that i really really liked! The first book i read by Chris Kuzneski was "The Death Relic" and it was such a brilliant book, i would read it in between classes and even give up my free time before class just to read it! And that includes the 15mins of sleep before the 7.15am bell everyday. I was captivated by his writing and the two main characters, Jonathan Payne and David Jones written by him are portrayed so marvellously. The way Chris writes about the friendship Payne and Jones shared since their time in the special forces, was something that i would die for. How they will always have each other's backs and Jones's quirky personality, PLUS their eye for adventure...

The list goes on.

Currently typing this while trying to hold my shit in. LOL. Have been down with gastric flu again! Ugh this sucks. BUUT, mother and sister is going to make a trip down to town, to Kinokuniya to be exact, to look at books. And me, just having devoured 2 of Chris  Kuzneski's books in a week, despite being down with gastric flu, i'm gonna drag myself out of the house to hunt for the other 5/6 books of Chris Kuzneski! Yes i am a bookworm. I love books. Have read 3 out of 7 books written by Chris Kuzneski AND I WANT MORE! Even if i don't find any Chris Kuzneski books, i do hope i'll be able to find something better, or just as good. Its so difficult to find his books in the library and now i'm quite reluctant to return it... I was overjoyed when i found 3 of his books in Serangoon's library and because i was so greedy, i wanted to borrow all 3 of them! Buuut, they were waay to bulky to carry home alone so i left the thinnest of the three books on the shelf and went home with "The Secret Crown" and "The Prophecy". Goodbye "The Plantation"! Till next time maybe. ):

Thinking...

Jan is ending pretty quick, time flies, a few more months before i go back to school! New school, new people...new homework...new people.

I may seem like a really friendly person but i just came to a sudden realisation that i am not much of a social butterfly..don't like to meet new people but that doesn't mean that i won't. A part of me is excited for school to start and the other part of me isn't. What if the course i picked ain't what i thought it would be? What if i can't do well? WHAT IF I FAIL MY FOUNDATION YEAR AND GO TO ITE?? Not degrading any ite here, its just i worked so hard to get into this pfp thingy, i really can't imagine myself dropping out. But then again, its poly, the lecturers there are not going to be like the teachers in zh. I really miss zh. Everytime i see students in their uniforms, i would really miss my girls...(not all of us took up the offer to go to poly, some of us didn't qualify) i've already got a job-thats more boring than Precious Thots-but the working days are not really consistent. Like, i've only worked 3 days in 2 weeks..

I see everyone on twitter complaining every sunday night about monday blues but then i think, how long more can i laugh at them? 2 more months i will be doing the exact same thing. ):

AAAnyway, met up with gt last sunday and we watched MAMA! Its a horror movie but not quite what i expected it to be. It was disturbing, yes. Especially the photo of the mother ghost and some scenes were really shocking, other than that, the ending was quite sad. Lily the younger girl left with the ghost cos she couldn't bear to part with her. Leaving Victoria the older girl with her uncle and uncle's wife. Ohman, how victoria cried for lily, so sad. Doubt my sister will ever cry for me. Cheh.

Still trying to  figure out how to work gt's new s3 camera...

M A M A ?

 

luv eu baby.

TWENTY THIRTEEN!!

HEYGUISE! Happy 2013! People on twitter were saying how the world is finally a teenager...uhm, NOT FUNNY??

Hahah alright, might be a lengthy post so sit tight! Anyway, just wanted to say how great a year 2012 has been. I know, its a year of exams. I mean, normal Singaporean kids sitting for national exams don't have to take N & O levels right! But yeap, Zhonghua being Zhonghua has their...unique traits? Its really difficult to get myself studying for O's after N's were over. I did give myself a few days of break before sitting down and mugging for my math and sova (Okay lawlz, don't really think i gave my all for sova....) and chinese was really damn sian lah (Shit, got to stop using singlish!) because after i got a freaking A2 the first time, i guess i really didn't have that kind of energy to push my grade to an A1.

After exams were over, went to source for a part-time job and landed myself in Precious Thots. Really loved the people there, so patient, so funny. Though sometimes it gets a little boring for me. Standing around doing nothing when no customers are around is really not my cup of tea. So many things happened this year, apart from studying (didn't have time for flea whatsoever, had been cooped up at home slogging my guts out for studies...), like grandpa passing away from lung cancer its alright, pretty sure he's up there in heaven having a painless life. (': sometimes when i think about his passing, i just wonder what if we had found out about his sickness earlier? Why didn't we spend more time with him? Why didn't i visit him more often instead of putting my studies as top priority? But it is in times like this where i just have to put all my faith in God. Afterall, He did say that whoever believed in Him would have an eternal life, right?

December was really spent working because its christmas period and that means everyone was doing their christmas shopping! It was also the time for N level results....but its okay, guess all my hardwork paid off! Got a freaking 6 points!! Was superduper happy when my face was flashed on the screen! This just meant that i was going PFP! Though i didn't get my first choice, after spending a looong time brooding over it, i guess i'm just going to have to say i'm happy with where i'm posted to. (: MASS MEDIA MANAGEMENT!

Can't wait for the new school year to staart!