Why am i forever feeling so inferior? Why can't i just prove my worth to everyone for once?
Do you know how difficult it is to grow up in a family that has talent/patience in art?! And how unfair it is to me when i realise i have none?? And how everyone keeps labelling me as "Aik Hoon's daughter" or how saddening i feel when i hear "your mum and sis can draw so well!
Can you?" WTFWTFWTF. And when i politely say "no i don't" or "i have no interest", how sickening it is to see their face change. Its like, their eyes carry so much hope that my answer could be a yes and when i say the exact opposite, hope turns into disgust. W H A T T H E F U C K ? And then i will keep pushing myself to be an artist.
I tried to prove them wrong by trying to draw. Did it work? Fuck no. Forever feeling so inferior to my sister who actually has awards for her artwork, who has her artwork placed in exhibitions and whose talent is recognised by the church! I have been in the church choir for years! And by that i meant a solid 8 years, then i do something like backup singing for service and even after having a solo part, i still feel so invisible. Worst is, going to school for art lessons and having reality slap me so damn hard on the face when i look at what my hands have drawn.
I keep trying so hard to prove my worth. But everyone at home just keeps beating me down. I get labelled and accused. Feels like i'm not loved at all. Even after getting notified i was nominated for a scholarship, to them its nothing. What am i supposed to do to make them feel proud? What am i supposed to do to get recognised? How come they can look at a piece of paper with ink splashed around and can still see its true beauty while i can't? Isn't the scholarship just another fucking piece of paper? How come they don't see the beauty in it??
"Because you're the youngest in this household so you must do this"
FUCK YOU BITCH DON'T GO USING THIS TECHNIQUE. IT MAKES ME LOSE THAT TINY SHRED OF RESPECT I HAVE LEFT FOR YOU. Am i not your daughter too? Am i not your own flesh and blood too? WHY AM I ALWAYS AN OBJECT FOR PEOPLE TO VENT ON.
How come the older sister doesn't receive this treatment? How come she doesn't get vented on when the parents get angry? How come she doesn't get accused of stealing when money goes missing? How come the parents don't overreact when she goes out with boys? How come my own mother doesn't stand up for me when clearly i did nothing wrong? How come my own mother accuses me first when anything happens?
Mummy aren't you happy i did better for my N's than jiejie? Daddy aren't you glad i aced my physics Ns? Mummy do you love me more now that my art grade is the same as jiejie? Mummy, daddy, jiejie, can you please stop labelling me a slacker now? Mummy, daddy, do you love me more now that i've shown you the scholarship application?
Or do you even love me at all.
Do you guys have any idea how tough it is to try to sleep at night when your head is flooded with voices? Voices of your inner demons, voices telling you to just end it all. Voices in your head telling you that you will never ever be good enough. Not even to your own parents.
Because getting As for exams won't make me any smarter.
Because getting the same grade as my sister for art won't make my parents love me a little more.
Because getting a scholarship is not going to make me stand beside my childhood friends that study in Singapore's top institution feel less inferior.
Because good grades won't get me any more recognised.
Have you ever held in so much anger, you start to sweat cold sweat, your clenched fists tremble in rage, you see stars, your head spins, your throat burns from being unable to voice out? Let alone give off a scream.
Sometimes, all these voices in my head get so loud. I tell them to shut up but it only makes them louder. I try to ignore them but they keep taunting me. I beg them to stop but they keep tapping me at the back, telling me to listen to them.
