Unexpected

Okay this is really going to be a brief post about today. 29 Jan 2014.

Its the day that all the pfp students in nyp had to present our ideas on how we would want to change in nyp. My group basically decided on implementing halal/vegetarian pushcarts around school/strategic places in the cafeterias. So we came up with this idea that took only like, what? 20 mins? And it wasn't solely one idea, mind you. We came up with five. I initially thought that the school won't take us seriously because we're all students and all....

So okay after months of planning, we finally got to present it today with the pfp cohort. We had this really long classroom to ourselves and all the directors and big shots were there. Because nyp actually invited this company to teach us NE/Lifeskills, they were the ones in charge of this event. My lecturer, Mr Alvin was there too.

When we were presenting our proposition to this man, Mr Clement-i don't know his surname but it feels rude just calling him Clement because he is hell older than me-and he actually really really liked the idea! He was one of the first few "guests" to our booth so we were pretty thrilled. By the time we ended our presentation, he was really impressed with it and said that he would not mind turning this project into reality! All we had to do was to email him the business proposal and he'll take another look at it again. Finally! Some recognition!

-oh god i'm so tired right now-

Overall, i was really pleased with the outcome of today. I went in with zero expectations of the entire event but i came out of it really satisfied. To see my project become a reality. (': i hope it'll really happen tho! For the good of muslim & vegetarian students!

Happy 18th, twin

This post is dedicated to my pillar of support, my partner in crime, my best friend.

Hi twin, happy 18th birthday! For every birthday i celebrate with you, i feel thankful and grateful that you came into my life and stayed. I know i may not exactly be the best friend you can ever ask for, but you are a best friend to me. I'm not exactly the nicest person around, or the person with the best personality. But thank you nonetheless for always tolerating my nonsense. I may throw rocks and spit fire at you but you still took it all in your stride.

I'm so glad we remained friends till this day and i honestly wouldn't trade our friendship for anything else. I'm so glad we stuck by each other through thick and thin, rain or shine. I'll still remember that you were one of the first person i met on my first day in sec 1. And we've been tiiiiight ever since! My first memory that i had of you was that you made me lose my appetite during lunch on the 2nd day of orientation camp because you were trying to cause jh to feel disgusted with her lunch! I guess sitting there, at the same table with you was a blessing in disguise. Yes you made me lose my appetite, but hey, that was where our friendship blossomed. (:

I'm actually embarrassed to post this..

I don't even know what we're trying to do

We really look like kids here..

I still remember going to Cambodia in sec 1! We were the only sec 1s in the trip along with jh and cheryl. Remember how in secondary school we would just sign up for anything we thought was fun? Like council. And ohhh all the shit we got (i got more) ourselves into. And how the EXCOs would always lecture us for our skirt lengths! I guess as we grew older, we got more rebellious and i know i found joy in pissing the shit out of our EXCO seniors!

Other councillors would patrol the corridors to catch students using their phones. Us? We were using our phones together with our classmates!

STEP SIA okay this was in sec1 for sure

Remember all the stupid things we had to do in council.... and i fell flat on my face that day trying to run in that costume.

Ok, this you HAVE to remember: Last changing parade of the first GB camp we attended and the whole coy laughed at me because i came running out with my shirt front-to-back.

I know we have all done stupid things in zhonghua. And i'm thankful that we just laugh it all off. I think one of the most significant memories i had of us together was going to Shanghai in 2010. When we were sec 2. Remember signing up because of the promising destination to France??? And the school later changed it to China???!!! But nevertheless, we had so much fun! And yes, that was the trip that i hated Joseph Ng. And i'm so glad i was under Genevieve Yeo ermahgerd..

Eating cup noodles with toothbrushes bc there were no forks..

When Shanghai froze our balls off.

When it came to upper sec, even though school got a hell lot more hectic for us, we still remained insane as ever, with the clique! It was the year my results dropped the most though...

Bintan!

Zhss 100th anniversary dinner!

Thank you for all these years that you have stayed in my life! I know you're 18 now, and soon will i. Another year older is another year more matured. Be it 13 or 17, put us together and you get two 10 year old girls again. 

Exactly this time, last year we said we'll study hard and strive for PFP together. Now, we're completing our last term of PFP. Time flies and growing up is inevitable. But you know what's the best part? That we did it, together. Even though we have our own group of friends now in secondary school, we're still meeting up and doing the same things we have been doing for the past 4 years: making a fool out of ourselves.

Like i said, thank you for being my pillar of support. You know i mean it in the literal term too right? Thankyou for being a shoulder to faint on, for being a shoulder to cry on and for being a listening ear. You've always been there, ready to catch me when i fall. And i try my best to be there for you too.

I know life has been hard and things may not be easy at home. But always remember that you're not alone. You can crash at mine anytime...we all know you love my sofa.

Its inevitable that people drift apart from each other, but i guess it all boils down to whether you make an effort or not, right? We have both changed. But i'm glad its for the better. 

 I don't know if we'll really become friends forever. I honestly hope we do. I know i say things like i don't want to have kids, but i genuinely feel that it'll be super cool if we our kids can play together and study together just like how we did. Don't you think it'll be cool if our kids travelled together too? Just like us! I sincerely hope we grow old and wrinkly together and be prunes! It'll be a hilarious sight don't you think?! Can you imagine all the stories we'll tell our grandchildren (if we have any, or you can tell yours about me if i don't have any children.) in the future!!

Who knows what the future is holding for us? If i lose my last shred of sanity 50 years -or less- from now, don't forget about me. Don't forget about all the nonsensical things we did or tried to do. Don't forget our sleepovers, our outings, our adventures. 

Once again, happy 18th birthday twin! I'm sorry for not being able to be there physically to celebrate this coming of age with you. I love you, and no matter what happens, we'll be twins forever. (People are starting to say we look like each other...its creepy. But i like it. Its a good creepy.) Here's to more years of being a nuisance to public, and to those around us!

Lastly,

Thank you for just being you.

Dear God,

Is it wrong to be heartless? Is it wrong to give up hope on people? Is it wrong to not trust people anymore as much as i used to?

Been so confused recently.

I know, the whole incident between D and i, it was my impulsive reactions and me not having the ability to think about the repercussions. And i sincerely apologise for that babe. What i felt was unfair was what she did to me after.

I trusted them, they were my childhood bestfriends and my crush. My childhood bestfriend's brother. Yet they all ganged up on me and played this dumb game that was supposed to just make my crush on him disappear? If i could apologise to D right now, i would.

D i'm sorry for writing all that trash about you. I'm sorry i caused this incident to happen. I'm sorry that our friendship was ruined because of my selfish, impulsive acts.

But why would they play such a sick prank on me? I trusted them. All the sleepovers, all the tuition sessions. I was cornered in a room, confronted, alone. About what happened which i obviously regretted.

I fell flat on my face that time and no one came forward to help me. Why guys? Were you talking bad about me behind my back? I trusted each and every single one of you. I would've trusted you with my life. But when trouble started brewing i had no one by my side. All of you pretended i was nothing, that i wasn't even there.

All the titles their parents held, and they used that against me. When everything was over, everyone pretended to go back to their normal lives. D left for USA and everyone grew up. But what about me? I realised how truly alone i am in this place that was supposed to have people there for me 24/7. Have i ruined all that?

I'm sorry, D, if you come back and i am so distant from you and everyone else. I can't bring myself to face you and your family. I can't bring myself to forgive you and your family. I can't bring myself to sit on the same table as all of you. I can't bring myself to be nice and smile and go back to how it all was before. Because i'll feel like it is all a facade. Its not true and i'll be two faced and be the same as the people i detest.

I think i can't forgive you for that prank because i can't forgive myself too. How do i find it in my heart to forgive you when i can't even forgive myself...

Why am i bringing this up after keeping it in for 5 years. I have never talked about this to anyone so why, jy, are you reopening these wounds again?

Because its back to haunt me.

The Jags Take on Marina Bay Sands

Woke up bright (Okay not bright it was gloomy and drizzling) and early on a saturday morning to meet the jags. Nessy's parents booked a room for their family and we were invited to chill. Walked around the Marina Bay Shoppes for a while while waiting for the room to get cleaned up. It was really eye opening for me, a mountain tortoise.  The Shoppes sure had a lot of really high end fashion outlets!

The plan was to chill around the shopping area and room and head for a swim before going for lunch and coming back to chill around some more. But we bought cup noodles and watched telly in the room before heading for the swim.

Comfy bed

Who has the biggest eyes?

Hello Morris

Nessy & Pri you perfect human beings <3

Mandatory bathroom selfies (what am i doing in the bathtub?)

Getting carried by Morris because i'm too tiny to be seen

Where are you Priyah?

Oh and did i mention that my phone can be used to take pictures and videos underwater? Tried out that function and yeap my phone is still alive and well! (Bless you Sony creators)

Erm failed underwater selfie

Bloob bloob bloob (?)

Hehe asyu why are you so cute?

Fiery hair

Infinity pool

Jags <3 (missing Iris!!)

And the person giving out the towels was so amazed. He asked me if what i was using was a waterproof phone. I told him no, its my phone and he asked if it is still working and if its okay i replied yes! Truth be told i didn't expect anyone to notice. I was too afraid my phone will be spoilt! ): I love you my Xperia! I really hope that the videos will be able to work!

UPDATE

Just a nice wordy chunk from me before i start to guilt trip myself for not studying.... #lifeofanasiankid #goodbyegpa #threepointeightmyass

This is the second week of school and i can't believe its also the last semester spent with PF1322. I know that i'm perpetually whining about how much i miss zhonghua/4N1'13 but at the end of the day, i still very much appreciate PF1322.

So anyway, on my last week of holidays, i went to the beach with the pfp bunch:

Had really bad cramps that day and i'm so thankful that it left the moment i stepped foot onto the beach! (God and his excellent timing huh!) Twin and i made sandwiches, alphy made nuggets, SS brought the mat and utensils, Craig and ZH brought drinks and chips and Elgin made chicken pasta! Its really nice to see everyone put in effort.. (:

Played by the beach and took turns looking after the things. While the boys were playing, twin and i sat there to keep an eye on our belongings. Cue shameless camwhoring:

Strong winds

Left the beach at around four plus to shower and headed back to vivo to grab a drink at coffee bean. We had planned for a movie after our beach date but couldn't decide on what to watch. (See, this is what happens when you've got so many people of different movie taste, you can't really decide on anything without someone complaining.) Decided to have dinner instead and have a movie marathon on some other day. Headed to Chompz for dinner and to Elgin's house to chill.

 Favourite photo of the day. We look so happy. (:

 Hashtag multiple eyelids

Two days later (wednesday) met up at alphy's house for a movie marathon where we laughed at stupid films and screamed at scary ones. And then i burned my throat on Bacardi because i went home with a sore throat and woke up the next day with a fever and a really bad throat. But the Bacardi was so good. So so good.

Going to miss this pfp bunch and i really hope we'll stay friends will we're old and wrinkly like prunes!

I realised how everytime i blog, it'll be an alternate post of cheerful ones and depressed ones. I hope the next time round i come here i'll be posting more positive posts and not i-want-to-put-a-fucking-bullet-in-my-head post.

Till then!

J

UGH

Exams are over but i still feel like complete and utter crap. I think i'm a wreck right now. I feel so lousy about myself. Like i can never be good enough for anybody.

Recently, i began to look around, at my circle of friends and couldn't help but compare my circle of friends and that of my friends' circle of friends. I feel super insecure about myself right now. Everyone has that one friend that they can always turn to and just have a group of supportive friends that they can always fall back on. Me? Sure, i have a group of supportive friends. I don't think they will mind catching me when i fall but i don't think i will be strong enough to catch them when they fall.

So many people are saying to me that i can always voice out my thoughts and worries and whatever shit that is bothering me but i can't. I don't feel safe with them. Why? Because i have personally heard them judge the rest. They don't even know this person and they judge. And i'm supposed to tell these people my problems? How am i to know if they will say the same things behind my back about me?? As an older friend, i'm supposed to guide the younger ones to make the right decisions and to help them see the world in a better view. But if someone older than me is acting like some 10 year old kid, going around talking behind other's backs then how am i supposed to teach the younger ones??

My problem is that i want to leave this place. But every time i bring it up, they just shoot me down. "Why do you want to leave jy?" "Why are you always doing this to us??" "What's wrong about staying here?" "Why are you always leaving us?"

This is burning problem and you guys have no idea how it feels like to be caged in this environment. You have never cared much about me, why should i do the same? Don't you know it hurts me too? To stay here? I fear myself being judged by the very people i have known in my entire life. I cannot bring anyone new in because people will talk. And for outsiders that say, fuck them haters/nobody has the right to judge you, well, you're so wrong. You don't know half of it. Its not as simple as oh look, she's wearing such low cut clothing/white top and black bra underneath/revealing clothing. Its fear.

How do i bring someone new in if no one is going to accept them? And i am supposed to find my lifelong partner here? 

Why the hell should i spend the rest of my life here, with people that criticise my every move and talk behind my backs when they barely even know me.

I used to talk about others behind their backs too but i have stopped. Because i know its wrong and if that person were to know about this, especially if i'm close to him/her, being stabbed a thousand times over will not compare to the emotional hurt faced by this person.

People are so insensitive. They think that they are being straightforward when in actual fact, they just talk before they process it in their heads. You shoot the person down without thinking and you think that you're right for saying what you said? There is a fine line between insensitivity and being straightforward. When you disregard the person's feelings, you have overstepped your boundaries. There is no wrong in being straightforward. It can be misleading to talk to someone beating around the bush so much that you just want to tell the person to effing tell you the main point. People everywhere are hurting. I'm hurting.

You think i don't know my own flaws? You think i feel good about my flaws??

Just because you're straightforward does not give you the right to hurt others, intentional or unintentional. If you are aware of being straightforward, then it is best that you run through your thoughts, process them first, then speak.

I just want to effing curl into a fetal position and cry because it hurts so bad. It hurts that i can't voice out my worries, it hurts that i'm so insecure about myself, it hurts because there isn't anyone that i know of that can even fathom whatever i'm going through.

It is mentally and emotionally draining to compress all the hurt and just swallow everything down. I wished my heart was a black hole so that it will never have a capacity. I can just dump all these unwanted feelings in and everything will be fine. I can genuinely smile and laugh without having to be conscious of my nearly exploding heart.

When will i ever be okay again?

Update: The Jaguars / Poly Life

In a blink of an eye, i am going to complete the first semester of my first unofficial year in poly. O_O

(wait whuuut?)

Anyway, this sem has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, filled with ups and downs. (Okay, mostly ups. Yay!) And this has been the longest time i have spent apart from my clique in secondary school. Yeah sure, eventually i will have to leave them. I just didn't think it will be so soon. But i am thankful for the friends i made here in NYP. Sure, NYP isn't exactly the best poly in sg but i'm still thankful nonetheless for the Jaguars:

Our first ICA!

They have been such a treasure to me and i am so thankful for their patience and guidance and tolerance towards me. From my never ending fantasy of building a spaceship to my monthly bitch fits i throw, they have always been there for me and i am so so so thankful to God for bringing them into my life. (:

I am supposed to be studying since sem exams are two freaking weeks away but on the account that i've been meaning to write this post, can we please ignore the words "exam" and "study" for tonight?

I know i was so paranoid about not being able to make any friends and be normal but my fears dissipated into thin air the moment i met these guys. Not saying that my friends aren't normal, but lets just say i appreciate their uniqueness and ability to look at things from a different angle. I remember me opening up to Pri, Kerwin and Mel about how i used to cut back in secondary school and it just struck me how i was so ready to open up.

I want to thank everyone that made me laugh so hard abs are starting to form (okay not literally,) and make my day so enjoyable. I haven't dreaded going to school yet so far and no drama has been aroused yet. I want things to be kept this way and for us to laugh everyday. As bimbotic as it sounds, all i want for us is to laugh our days away.

Hey Priyah, thank you for being there for me all the time and entertaining me and my space ship fantasy. Remember how we studied in school that night while waiting for mel & kerwin to get through their auditions? And how we exchanged ghost stories and spooked each other out! Thanks for agreeing with me to go to town just to get my pay after school that day. And thanks for always being so understanding. You are such a gem and i am so thankful you're always there for me.

I know how insecure you are sometimes but do know that you are so strong and so gorgeous (on the inside and out). Don't let anyone get you down. Fight for what you want, for the ones you love. Be strong, heads up and live it our proudly.

Hello Asyura! You're the first friend i made during orientation and how you witnessed my un-glamorously late entrance into the lecture theatre because i was soo late on my first day of orientation! You've stuck with me since that day and became my partner for every pair work hehe. You kanchiong spider.  <3

Hi "boyfriend" you are by far the most hilarious person i have ever met and you're one of the reasons why i always look forward to coming to school. You, your jokes and that diva attitude always make my day. You've never failed to make me laugh everyday in school. Albeit life without you would be quiet hehe but do know i appreciate your company. <3 You have such a strong character so don't let anyone make you feel like you're not worth it. Because you are. 

Hi vanessa! I have a photo of us in our formal wear but you look so cute in this picture i couldn't resist posting it! I remembered how we clicked immediately because of our common like in "The Walking Dead". How we spazzed over Daryl. And we also watched the same animes! You have no idea how much you make me laugh with your unexpected bitch rebuts and perverted jokes. (which i don't understand 90% of the time) Just want to let you know how pretty you are and don't ever let anyone put you down. You are pretty and you should be proud of what you have. (: don't let the judgments of others affect you. Embrace it, and live it out. (:

I don't have a photo with just you and me Iris, i hope i will have one someday. (: Thanks for always tolerating my monthly bitch tantrums and being so motivational. Its nice to finally know you instead of just hearing your voice from across the floor. (hint PPS days...) You might not take the same diploma course as us but please remember us (and me hehe). Thank you for always dropping whatever you're doing just to help me in my math. (': and for repeating yourself because i don't understand the question. You're always so patient with me and i really, really appreciate that. (:

I love you jags. I felt like i had to post this because you all have made my days so much more enjoyable and so much more fulfilling.