1. Biz studies test was returned to us yesterday, and i didn't feel too happy with my marks. 32/40 isn't so great after all when your friends beside you are scoring higher and even getting full marks for this.
2. Received a letter (from nyp) informing me that i didn't get my scholarship. I know its okay seeing that i lose nothing anyway. The scholarship was to pay for my school fees. And since i didn't get it, oh well.
3. Math test tmr and i am not exactly the best person in math....
Yeah, go ahead, tell me these aren't big issues. "Its okay jy, its just a small business test! At least you didn't fail!" "If you have nothing to lose, then why are you so upset over not getting the scholarship? You can always try again the next year or other scholarships the school is giving out!" "Just do your best in tmr's test jy! Leave it all to God!"
What encouraging statements (coming from myself LOL...) but its doing nothing for me. Sure the jags did tell me that my marks were okay, but i still feel really shitty about myself.
I am so thankful for the jags at times because they have been bringing me back to reality when i get too carried away with my sorrows and they have been there to just listen to me whine and go on and on and on about how pathetic i feel i am. Honestly, so blessed to meet them.
But sometimes (okay, most of the times) i find that whatever they tell me be it sincere or not, doesn't affect how i am feeling about myself. I always lament how bad i am at math and asyura will always tell me i'm not. Sometimes pri will say she's worse and the encouraging smile from van makes me feel better. I panic when i can't solve my problems and iris will stop what she's doing to help me and morris will too. Not saying my friends in ZH weren't like this, i just never felt so helpless before.
Back in secondary school, i was always the average one. Not too bad, not the top either. I never did my homework (unless the subject's teacher was one that would give my life hell) all the way till sec4. The only homework i did was tuition homework. But when i come to poly, i did my homework/tutorials, i listened in lectures, i revised my lecture notes but i still can't be average. I'm still at the bottom.
Earlier today, pri van asyu and i were talking about last night's attempt to do the paper again, and asyu started saying that she never liked Bs or Cs and van said that her marks after she re attempted were 72/80. Not saying i blame them/hate them for bringing this up but i felt really lousy because i felt like i could never attain a 70/80 for my math and i used to whoop for joy when i get a B. I hardly had As, not even for english.
The only time where i had the most number of As were last year's N level cert. My report book NEVER had so many As before. And i guess everything just stopped there.
"Stop blaming yourself jy." You might say, but i dunno, i just feel like crap. Why can't i ever be good enough? Was entering PFP even the right path to take? I slogged my guts out for an entire bloody year and i don't want to get kicked out. Sure, nyp isn't the top polytechnic in sg but if i get kicked out, i have nowhere else to go.
I feel like i'm getting ripped into shreds, getting torn apart by this vortex of depression. And my soul is this manifestation of negativity residing within the fleshy shell of my body.
I know i cannot let this feeling get the better of me but i really don't know what to do other than to be a sitting duck and watch this tsunami of despair sweep over me, drowning me, destroying me.
