How am i supposed to believe myself when the people around me don't?

Jokes are fine, not when i'm the butt of it all the time.

Me, petty? Nope, just tired of explaining.

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I think,  losing someone, whoever it may be, the feelings are almost the same. This is my personal take.

Losing a pillar of support, be it a relative, a lover, a friend, even a pet, is always, undoubtedly a painful process.

For me, i wouldn't deny that i'm a weak person on the inside despite (sometimes) looking like i don't give a flying fuck to anything. I hold the people i love close to my heart because that is where the memories always live. And i have always relied on others to keep me going, to help me pull through. Throughout the past four years, i have learned so much, gained so much, and of course lost quite a fair bit too. Though i am happy to say that proportion of me losing anything is definitely smaller than what i have gained. I could never ask for any better friends-though i do want to ask for lesser enemies-theses friends always had my back. Be it crying over an immature boy or tearing from frustration, i am always thankful for these wonderful angels in my life.

 

 

And frankly speaking, i no longer feel so happy in church like how i did before, it might have been because of a stupid mistake or my sudden awareness to the people around me. I really do feel alone in the midst of a sea of people even though there are people in there that i have known for my entire life and maybe even more. Its so ironic how i can feel that way. I mean, shouldn't i treat them as my sisters instead of treating them as friends or even just a mere acquaintance??

 

I do understand what its like to lose a relative because i lost my grandpa last november. This cny will be so different now. I do not even want to step into my paternal grandparents' flat. Although my paternal grandma is still alive, the absence of my grandpa will be too overwhelming. No matter how tough things get, i always tell myself that everything is in God's plan. He already went ahead of my future and declared it good.

 

The pain of losing a pillar of support, it engulfs me and i feel like i'm drowning in it. How can emptiness be so filling? But then again, i had always been the trusting kind.

 

To put so much hope in a person, only to see the person up and leave like nothing happened, 100 middle fingers or a hundred "FUCK YOU TOO" will do nothing. A relationship/friendship can never be one-sided. I promised to never be who i was in the past, to give up a friend so easily, but why fight a losing battle? I thought about this matter for the longest time. Everybody has their own reasons. But to realise that i was an object to be vented on made me realise how insignificant i am.

 

Yes, losing someone close at heart is painful. I came up with many reasons as to why my friendship disintegrated: I was merely a toy. Like CL, like ET, like Leanne. To be approached by the person i put my trust in, only because she wanted something or she was bored. Like how certain animals "hunt" when their bored.

 

Right now i am over the sadness and i'm done brooding over the past. When one door closes, another opens. Funny how i can relate this to drugs. If i look at it this way, once the euphoric highness wears off, i suppose you feel the aftermath. Getting over this matter was no easy feat, but now i am just plain disgusted at what a hypocritical person time has changed you to be. Getting all chummy with the people who has repeatedly backstabbed you, caused you nothing but pain and distract you from the most important exam at that time.

 

But still, i am glad all these happened after crunchtime.



Chris Kuzneski

Okay, recently i've been reading a series of books-no not fifty shades of grey-by Chris Kuzneski. And i gotta say, this is the first time in a loong time i actually like an author this much. Apart from Rhold Dahl, which had been my favourite author when i was in kindergarten, i never really had any other author that i really really liked! The first book i read by Chris Kuzneski was "The Death Relic" and it was such a brilliant book, i would read it in between classes and even give up my free time before class just to read it! And that includes the 15mins of sleep before the 7.15am bell everyday. I was captivated by his writing and the two main characters, Jonathan Payne and David Jones written by him are portrayed so marvellously. The way Chris writes about the friendship Payne and Jones shared since their time in the special forces, was something that i would die for. How they will always have each other's backs and Jones's quirky personality, PLUS their eye for adventure...

The list goes on.

Currently typing this while trying to hold my shit in. LOL. Have been down with gastric flu again! Ugh this sucks. BUUT, mother and sister is going to make a trip down to town, to Kinokuniya to be exact, to look at books. And me, just having devoured 2 of Chris  Kuzneski's books in a week, despite being down with gastric flu, i'm gonna drag myself out of the house to hunt for the other 5/6 books of Chris Kuzneski! Yes i am a bookworm. I love books. Have read 3 out of 7 books written by Chris Kuzneski AND I WANT MORE! Even if i don't find any Chris Kuzneski books, i do hope i'll be able to find something better, or just as good. Its so difficult to find his books in the library and now i'm quite reluctant to return it... I was overjoyed when i found 3 of his books in Serangoon's library and because i was so greedy, i wanted to borrow all 3 of them! Buuut, they were waay to bulky to carry home alone so i left the thinnest of the three books on the shelf and went home with "The Secret Crown" and "The Prophecy". Goodbye "The Plantation"! Till next time maybe. ):