Invisible

On monday, my lecturer told us about the opportunity to do our internship in middle east (ie, dubai) or russia in their respective media cities. The government will be giving us (if we are qualified to go,) allowance on top of what the company will be paying us, and also pay for our air ticket there.

When I first came to poly, I was presented with various overseas trips and exchange programmes. All of which I brushed off the mere thought of me going. But this one, i was excited. I really want to go to dubai!

But me being me, i'm plagued with bad grades, paranoia, self loathe. The moment we were presented with this chance, i have already imagined myself there in my own little apartment. I imagined myself gasping in awe as i breathed in dubai air for the first time, i imagined myself squealing and imploding with excitement as i get step into my own little rented room or apartment, abandoning my gigantic luggage at the doorway as i prance around my new abode. I imagined going to work and coming home to an empty house-strangely enjoyable-with no one to greet me. I imagined myself cracking my head on how to cook, clean, grocery shopping. I imagined myself documenting my life in dubai through vlogs and blogs and skyping my friends and family back home. I imagined myself getting lost in the dubai peak hour crowd-or just getting lost as usual-and being on the brink of tears as i struggle to find my office. I imagined myself being homesick and pulling my knees close to my chest as i rock back and forth crying at how useless i am after a long, tough week at work. I imagined myself worrying myself to tears at the fear of being fired from a company.

And so much more.

But you see, i have a tendency to imagine scenarios in my head but the truth is: reality will always be a complete opposite from what i envisioned. Even if the picture i painted in my head was realistic. I tell myself not to get my hopes up at this chance because its not like i will actually get the job. And i keep telling myself that doing an internship here in this tiny island where i was born and bred just like everyone else is also a good thing and can be eye opening and also a good experience.

Its funny how in my 19 years of life, i've never once pictured myself leaving Singapore to stay in another country or to move out of this little red dot because i had everything i wanted and needed here. Which country's government will take such good care of its citizens like our government?

I really want to go to Dubai.

One sided

One sided feelings are the worst. To be overwhelmed with feelings that the other person will never feel or understand. To me, it's worse than talking to a wall. At least you know the wall will never find someone else better. And it will never move to a better place, away from you.

This one sided affair is consuming me. I feel like i'm being sucked into an abyss that i created. Now i can't get out.