For so long i try to be the strong one among my friends. I wanted to be someone they could rely on because i never had anyone to turn to and confide in.
And then sometimes i forget that i'm only human. I have emotions that i have locked away deep down somewhere. I tried getting rid of these feelings because they hindered me, they reminded me of things i cannot have and will never be able to have.
Am i the only one that forgets how to feel? Sometimes, in the middle of the day i feel this cold, gaping hole in the middle of my chest and i have no idea why it appeared or what caused it. Am i supposed to feel something in there?
The number of friends calling me "demonspawn" is increasing. Yes of course i know it's a joke. But jokes don't just appear out of nowhere right? Maybe i've kept my guard up for far too long that it's becoming evident to the people outside.
Every time i get depressed i build a new layer because i refused to let people know that i am sad. That i feel like a wreck. And slowly these negativity is seeping out from the crevices in the walls i have built.
This whole charade is taking it's toll on me. For so long i have been battling myself, keeping everything to myself. Today i told morris that i always feel like i have a lot of pent up anger inside. And he said yes because he feels it too. Obviously because i'm pretty sure i subconsciously take it out on him....
All these years i've been nothing but a bipolar wreck, trying to figure out where it all gone wrong. Maybe if i just came to terms with myself that this is who i am and that it's perfectly normal to have issues, my life would start to change.
I absolutely hate my dayre account but i still keep it anyways because i always turn to that avenue whenever i feel the overwhelming urge to type out an angst, self hatred filled post and proceed to hating myself even more and most of the times it ends with me burying my head in between my knees trying my hardest to not let my screams be heard.
Maybe, just maybe things would change from now?
