I tell everyone i love sleeping. But sometimes i think that's just a cover up. I can't remember how long it's been since i could sleep because i could simply just, sleep. In the recent years, i sleep to run away from my thoughts. Because i couldn't stand how much mental torture i was subjecting myself to.
I always told myself that the only way to get temporal peace was through my dreams. I don't remember my dreams anymore. But sometimes, once in a very long time i still see fragments of it when i'm awake. But it's often nightmares. I see people dying, sometimes i see myself killing someone. It's actually quite worrying now that i've put it in words. :/
I might have lied by saying that i've been staying away from my
I know everyone is fighting a battle of their own. This is partly why i don't talk about my problems. O at least try not to. My disability to voice out my problems is hindering me. So many times i want to tell my friends that i'm not okay. I'm falling apart and i feel like death. But i just can't bring myself to do it.
Situations like staycations, camps, chalets, gatherings always have groups of people talking about things they will hardly ever talk about. Things that are so deep and private that it can't be mentioned in public. And everyone around me will mention at least 1 issue they're currently facing. Me? I sit there listening, advising.
My issue isn't because nobody asks if i'm okay or not. My issue is i can't bring myself to say what's wrong. And how pathetic is that? I have friends that i have come to see are reliable, real and are my pillars of strength. But i cannot tell them what's wrong. And i hate it. It's at the tip of my tongue but there's nothing i can say.
I missed the happier me. When i wasn't so tormented by myself.
