I try to stop writing birthday posts cos recently i think i might be going back to that dark place of mine where i think that nothing is worth everything.
I do have a few groups of friends and i hold some of them really close to my heart. My closest group of friends are my secondary school friends since they've been in my life for almost 8 years?
Hi babe. You might never see this. Ever. Or you might, since your snooping powers are impeccable. Either way, i hope that when you see this, you will know how much i appreciate our friendship.
The first time i met you in sec 1, i'll be frank, i didn't like you. At all. I thought you were this annoying, vulgar ah lian that vented her anger on her desk and books by throwing them around your area. And i found it annoying how you're always catching me red handed eating my grapes in class.
But then as we got older, you became a big part of my life.
You never failed to stay by my side. I am not an easy person to handle. But every time i started to push people away in my life, you will always stay and you constantly assured me that you'll stay here. You never failed to give me encouragements and provide your assistance when i needed it (and sometimes when i pretend to not need it.) all through secondary school. Especially with my chinese.
And then when it was time for N levels, we both realised that we wanted different things. You wanted to stay in Zhonghua whereas i wanted skip my O's. Embarking on the PFP journey was intimidating for me but you gave me your full support and encouraged me to accept the offer. And when school started, so many times i felt that coming to PFP was a colossal mistake. I constantly felt that i wasn't good enough. I felt that i didn't put in enough effort and constantly felt so discouraged that everyone around me were achieving better results than me. And so many times i felt like giving up and just walk out of school when you would magically drop me a text!
You were so busy with your O's and i will never forget how you still went out to catch a movie with me (i can't rmb what movie it was tho,) despite your prelims being so near. You would always make time for me and i genuinely appreciate that.
So many people say that i am "fearless" but honestly, there are so many things that scare me. One of it is the fear of everyone leaving me. You see, i experienced an episode in the past that every single friend i had turned their backs on me. But let's leave that story to another day. And after that incident, i refused to tell anyone anything. Including my own parents. All my problems, frustrations, insecurities and fears i kept them to myself. Because i was so afraid that people would never see me the same way and whatever happened before, will happen again. And slowly i found myself getting so consumed by my demons that it started to tear my life apart.
It honestly took me a long time to start opening up to people again. You taught me how to open up and you showed me how no matter what my fears or problems were, you will still help me get through them. I don't know if you know how much you mean to me. I appreciate every single thing you did for me. From walking me home every single time we go out, to calling me because i was so upset and crying because of my job and not leaving my side when i fainted. (Do you rmb how once in secondary school you put 2 packs of cheese fries in your school bag and smuggled it into class for me and cheryl hay? Even though you hated the smell of cheese so much.)
You helped me open up once again babe. And although the fear of being alone is still in me and still quite strong, thank you for helping me overcome it bit by bit. There's still a lot of things that i cannot bring myself to say and so many times i feel inadequate for anyone. But i know that i am extremely blessed to have you in my life.
So babe, please stay. We have so many more birthdays to celebrate with each other and so much more nonsense to create. I love you so much GT, thank you for being my friend.
