Exams are over but i still feel like complete and utter crap. I think i'm a wreck right now. I feel so lousy about myself. Like i can never be good enough for anybody.
Recently, i began to look around, at my circle of friends and couldn't help but compare my circle of friends and that of my friends' circle of friends. I feel super insecure about myself right now. Everyone has that one friend that they can always turn to and just have a group of supportive friends that they can always fall back on. Me? Sure, i have a group of supportive friends. I don't think they will mind catching me when i fall but i don't think i will be strong enough to catch them when they fall.
So many people are saying to me that i can always voice out my thoughts and worries and whatever shit that is bothering me but i can't. I don't feel safe with them. Why? Because i have personally heard them judge the rest. They don't even know this person and they judge. And i'm supposed to tell these people my problems? How am i to know if they will say the same things behind my back about me?? As an older friend, i'm supposed to guide the younger ones to make the right decisions and to help them see the world in a better view. But if someone older than me is acting like some 10 year old kid, going around talking behind other's backs then how am i supposed to teach the younger ones??
My problem is that i want to leave this place. But every time i bring it up, they just shoot me down. "Why do you want to leave jy?" "Why are you always doing this to us??" "What's wrong about staying here?" "Why are you always leaving us?"
This is burning problem and you guys have no idea how it feels like to be caged in this environment. You have never cared much about me, why should i do the same? Don't you know it hurts me too? To stay here? I fear myself being judged by the very people i have known in my entire life. I cannot bring anyone new in because people will talk. And for outsiders that say, fuck them haters/nobody has the right to judge you, well, you're so wrong. You don't know half of it. Its not as simple as oh look, she's wearing such low cut clothing/white top and black bra underneath/revealing clothing. Its fear.
How do i bring someone new in if no one is going to accept them? And i am supposed to find my lifelong partner here?
I used to talk about others behind their backs too but i have stopped. Because i know its wrong and if that person were to know about this, especially if i'm close to him/her, being stabbed a thousand times over will not compare to the emotional hurt faced by this person.
People are so insensitive. They think that they are being straightforward when in actual fact, they just talk before they process it in their heads. You shoot the person down without thinking and you think that you're right for saying what you said? There is a fine line between insensitivity and being straightforward. When you disregard the person's feelings, you have overstepped your boundaries. There is no wrong in being straightforward. It can be misleading to talk to someone beating around the bush so much that you just want to tell the person to effing tell you the main point. People everywhere are hurting. I'm hurting.
You think i don't know my own flaws? You think i feel good about my flaws??
Just because you're straightforward does not give you the right to hurt others, intentional or unintentional. If you are aware of being straightforward, then it is best that you run through your thoughts, process them first, then speak.
I just want to effing curl into a fetal position and cry because it hurts so bad. It hurts that i can't voice out my worries, it hurts that i'm so insecure about myself, it hurts because there isn't anyone that i know of that can even fathom whatever i'm going through.
It is mentally and emotionally draining to compress all the hurt and just swallow everything down. I wished my heart was a black hole so that it will never have a capacity. I can just dump all these unwanted feelings in and everything will be fine. I can genuinely smile and laugh without having to be conscious of my nearly exploding heart.
When will i ever be okay again?
